10 Things Parents Should Know About 'Pixels'

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Photo copyright Sony Pictures.

We were worried about this movie when we heard about it. While the nostalgia factor seemed like fun, the attachment of Adam Sandler made us afraid; very afraid. And now that the reviews are coming in, we were justified in our fear.

None of the GeekDads has seen Pixels. Most of us won’t be seeing Pixels. But as a public service, we want to make sure our readers also know not to go see Pixels. So we have compiled a list of reasons that are all actual pull-quotes from other reviews, which should in aggregate convince you not to waste your time, money, or children’s mental health on this film.

  1. “Some movies are so interminable that it seems they might never end, while others are assembled with such indifference that you are essentially left waiting for them to start. Pixels somehow manages both.”  Mark Olsen, Los Angeles Times – http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/movies/la-et-mn-pixels-review-20150724-story.html
  2. “Pixels started off lazily enough, with nothing more on its mind than ripping off Ghostbusters with video game characters. But it stumbled onto an accomplishment truly awe-inspiring: It makes Battleship and The Watch look good.” Kyle Smith, New York Post. http://nypost.com/2015/07/23/thanks-to-pixels-its-game-over-for-adam-sandlers-career/
  3. Pixels is a movie without wit, without jokes, with nothing to say but plenty to regurgitate.” John Semley, The Globe and Mail – http://www.theglobeandmail.com/arts/film/film-reviews/pixels-adam-sandler-stars-in-re-run-of-every-nerds-vengeance-narrative/article25650151/

  4. “Director Chris Columbus surely hopes that today’s teen gamers, hooked on Halo and Call of Duty, will care about what happened 30 years ago. That’s iffy, unless 13-year-olds think it’s a scream when Dinklage asks to be part of a sex sandwich with Serena Williams and Martha Stewart, who both do cameos.” Peter Travers, Rolling Stone – http://www.rollingstone.com/movies/reviews/pixels-20150723

  5. “When one considers how good this material might have been if placed in the right hands, to see it squandered this way makes it almost more painful to view than the typical Sandler stinker.” Peter Sobczynski, RoberEbert.com – http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/pixels-2015
  6. “A collection of 1980s references in search of jokes.”John Serba, MLive.com – http://www.mlive.com/movies/index.ssf/2015/07/pixels_review_adam_sandler_sti.html 

  7. “… an actor who doesn’t want to be there, a director who doesn’t know what to do, a conceit that runs on autopilot, and a muddle of tones that feels like the screenwriting software is crashing around us as we watch. ” Bilge Ebiri, Vulture.com –  http://www.vulture.com/2015/07/movie-review-pixels-could-use-a-reset.html

  8. “Calling Pixels one of Sandler’s better movies is like calling a particular strain of Ebola somewhat less horrifically painful; either way, it’s not pleasant.” Randy Cordova, The Arizona Republic –  http://www.azcentral.com/story/entertainment/movies/2015/07/23/movie-review-pixels-uneven-ode-video-games/30493295/

  9. “A middle finger aimed right at the audience.” Bryan Bishop, The Verge –  http://www.theverge.com/2015/7/22/9012437/pixels-movie-review-adam-sandler
  10. “Save your quarter.” Jordan Hoffman, Mashable –  http://mashable.com/2015/07/22/pixels-review-a-terrible-tone-deaf-attempt-at-ghostbusters-with-video-games/

Yeah, pretty much don’t go see it. Don’t take your kids to go see it. Watch Wreck-it Ralph again, instead.

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