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It’s almost a tossup which classic horror monsters are more powerful these days: zombies or vampires. Zombies, relative newcomers to the horror world (unless you count Frankenstein’s monster, which I don’t), have been enjoying a bit of a renaissance this past decade or so, while vampires have remained pretty steadily popular for at least the past century. Fortunately, the two can easily coexist, since they’re such very different kinds of monster: zombies, mindless single-purpose killers who are only truly scary in hordes; and vampires, intelligent creatures who have often become cunning over the centuries they’ve lived, and are often quite scary enough in the singular.
Last Halloween I wrote about the top ten reasons it sucks to be a zombie, so I thought I’d give vampires their due this year. Here, then, are the top ten reasons it sucks (pun very much intended) to be a vampire.
10. Imagine being able to live for centuries, but never having a garlic bagel ever again.
9. Blood oranges are just the worst case of false advertising ever.
8. It’s so hard to find proper stake-proof vests that still look stylish.
7. All those movie vampires set impossibly high standards for appearances. Have you ever tried to dress and get your hair just right without being able to see yourself in a mirror?
6. Teenage girls refuse to believe it when you tell them that you do not sparkle.
5. Being unable to cross running water means that dream of one day visiting Venice will have to stay a dream.
4. That guy on Sesame Street has ruined everything — you have no idea how many times we get asked if we love to count things every day.
3. All those anti-Nosferatic jokes, like “vampires suck” and “vampires bite” — we get them, but they are NOT FUNNY. Vampires used to be people, too, you know.
2. Once you’ve acquired a taste for AB-negative, O-positive just seems so … vanilla.
1. Nobody ever believes your fake tan is real.