Just breathe deeply. Breathe deeply. That’s it.
Not working? OK, scream like Vader (whose lines of dialogue keep getting revised by a meddlesome director years after the fact for the Blu-ray edition). “Noooooooooooo!”
You’ve probably heard the news (announced yesterday) that the Walt Disney Company is acquiring Lucasfilm Ltd for $4.05 billion in cash and stock. And with the sale go George Lucas’ empire of properties, his super-lucrative Star Wars franchise (and the less lucrative Radioland Murders franchise), all to the House of Mouse. Disney will also take control of Lucas’ special effects and sound facilities, Industrial Light & Magic and Skywalker Sound.
Also part of the deal: a fresh Star Wars film, Episode VII, will be made, and it’s coming in 2015.
Here at GeekDad, I would describe our reaction to the news as cautiously pessimistic.
In a press release, Robert A. Iger, Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of The Walt Disney Company, said in a statement: “This transaction combines a world-class portfolio of content including Star Wars, one of the greatest family entertainment franchises of all time, with Disney’s unique and unparalleled creativity across multiple platforms, businesses, and markets to generate sustained growth and drive significant long-term value.”
Sustained growth and long-term value. That’s the key.
What on earth is George Lucas thinking? One of our GeekDads mused that perhaps he’s ill — does he have inoperative, terminal cancer? Why else is he relinquishing the reins of an entire artistic oeuvre he’s spent most of his life building? He sure don’t need the money. He did say that he wants to retire and “become a fan again.” George, we welcome you with open arms, and together we can spend the next couple decades trolling every new Star Wars project on anonymous discussion boards across the Internet.
Nonetheless, we (hastily) pooled our brains and came up with this list:
The Top 10 Things We Are Looking Forward To/Fearing After the Disney-Lucasfilm Merger:
by GeekDad Core Contributors
1) Howard the Duck 2: Return of the Quack.
2) A reboot of the ancient LucasArts point and click game Full Throttle, with Mickey and Donald as the toughs who ride their choppers, and fight their rival bikers with chains and crow bars.
3) New revised cantina scene: look for Ariel, Wall-E, Woody and Iron Man sipping drinks and ducking light sabers as Luke and Obi-Wan look for a hunk of junk and its pilots to ferry them to the Magic Kingdom.
4) Episode IV remake, with Mickey as Luke, Minnie as Leia, Donald Duck as Han Solo and Goofy as Chewbacca.
5) Star Wars High School; Disney Princess Leia: The Tween Years; The Jedi of Waverly Place; Leia goes for sleepover parties with Belle, Cinders, Aurora and Ariel and mostly worries about her hair.
6) Classic games that could end up as films: Maniac Mansion, Loom, The Secret of Monkey Island. Good!
7) The original trilogy cast returns for Star Wars VII, VIII and IX: “Grandpa Han, Grandpa Han! Tell us again how Greedo shot first!”
8) The Avengers vs. Darth Vader
9) Emperor Palpatine’s New Groove
10) Star Wars Episode VII: A New World Order — starring Ewan McGregor, the Muppet Babies, Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana in a sci-fi musical comedy.
Actually, if — and ONLY if — Disney gets Joss Whedon to make Episode VII, it has a chance of not sucking.