The Top Ten Pet Peeves of Superman

Evergreen Geek Culture


10. He constantly has to reassure Aquaman that he’s a valued member of the Justice League.

“Seriously, Arthur, that talking to the fish thing is really…  Well, you know…  The oceans…  Well, I don’t have to tell you that they cover three-quarters of the Earth’s surface…”

9. Batman brags almost daily about all the fan mail he gets from women.

“Yeah, Bruce, that’s great… Yeah, that’s… Seriously, Bruce, how many gigs are you devoting to this on the Bat-Computer???”

8. Lois teases him mercilessly about washing the costume on “delicate” cycle.

“Hey, I’m trying to project the best image I can for the people of Metropolis.  I – stop laughing!  The people need to see that their protector is… himself… protected…  Stop!  Look, this stuff is not actually from Krypton.  That’s an urban legend.”

7. DC Comics harps on him to not swear no matter how badly the villains are beating the crap out of him.

“Well, excuse the @#$% out of me, DiDio, but I tend to think that if Darkseid were pounding the snot out of you, you might let the occasional f-bomb loose once or twice.”

6. Lead-based paint.

“Well… it’s dangerous for children you know.  There’s like government programs and everything. The stuff’s dangerous.  Seriously.”

5. Jimmy Olsen thinks practical jokes involving green phosphorescent rocks are so damn funny.

“Heh, heh, heh, Jimmy.  Really funny.  C’mere, let me share some Kryptonian humor with you.  No, no human has ever seen Kryptonian humor before.  This is something just for you.”

4. Wonder Woman always tells him to “lift with your legs.”

“I got it, Diana!  I’m seventy years old.  Yeah, I need to take care of myself.  You’re no spring chicken yourself, you know.”

3. Ralph Nader calls him a fascist.

“Dude, I just didn’t get what you meant when you said ‘krypto-fascist’.  I was sort half out of that conversation.  Earthquake in Japan, you know.”

2. Robin the Boy Wonder always asks him to say “Hi” to him in front of his girlfriends.

“Seriously, Tim, I’ve got better things to do.  I mean, come on.  We’re super-heroes.  We have to hold ourselves to a higher standard of…  All right.  Yes, you did help out that one time with Mongol…  Uh, hey, Robin!  Thanks again for that assist the other day!  That was really brave!”

1. “For the millionth time, Lois, I’m not looking through her clothes!”

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