Ten Things Humans Should Know About ‘The Predator’

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The title alien reacts to having to sit through the movie

The Predator, the latest and by far the worst movie on the now-30-year-old-series, opens in theaters this weekend. Read on to see if you should see it (spoiler alert: no) before it leaves theaters in a few days.

1. What is the movie about?

An alien hunter comes to earth to, well, hunt, and ends up fighting a future governor.

No, that’s not the plot of this movie, but I’m hoping that if you decide you need a Predator fix this weekend, you’ll make the sensible choice of re-watching the 1987 original film and save yourself from enduring this one.

2. What is the movie rated?

It’s rated R for language, extreme violence and gore, and being supremely stupid.

3. Will I like it?

No.

4. Should I take the kids?

I’m guessing that as a parent, you love your children. So, no.

5. Is it really that bad?

Here’s the easiest way to answer: literally every frame of this movie is dumber than Arnold Schwarzenegger outrunning a nuclear explosion.

6. When should I sneak out to pee?

About two minutes in. And then, don’t come back.

7. Is it worth seeing on IMAX or large format?

It’s not worth seeing at all, in any format. It isn’t worth paying normal admission price for, much less premium admission. It won’t even be worth watching for free on Netflix when it shows up there in a few weeks.

8. Is there anything after the credits?

There was literally nothing that could have made me sit in the theater for one moment longer than I needed to, so I didn’t stick around to see. But even if there was? No one cares.

9. To be fair, it’s gotten horrible reviews. Why did you go see it?

Because by the time my friend and I showed up to the theater, a lot of people who are smarter than us had already taken all of the not-front-row seats to see A Simple Favor, and we were in the mood for a movie, so we thought, “eh, what the heck?” As it turned out, going back out to my car and sitting there for two hours staring blankly out the window would have been a better choice.

10. Will there be more movies in the franchise?

Honestly, I hope so, since until last night I genuinely liked this franchise. But I hope that they decide to pull a Terminator and reboot and just pretend like this movie never happened, both because everyone needs to pretend it didn’t happen, and also, because this movie radically retcons the Predators, and does it in a really awful way. Like, introducing Darth Vader and Boba Fett as whiny kids awful.

11. Wait, really?

Yes, but this is now number 11, and I said in the title that there were only 10 things, and please just trust me that I don’t want to write or talk or even think about this movie ever again.

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