Who Is the King Right Now? [SFW]

Reading Time: 3 minutes
Image: Cards Against Humanity
Image: Cards Against Humanity

Ah, Cards Against Humanity, our favorite excuse to be horrible people. No worries, parents, this post is not graphic. Read on for fun!

For the last several years, Cards Against Humanity has graced us with a holiday event. First was 12 Days of Holidays, then 10 Days of Kwanza or Whatever, and this year featured Eight Sensible Gifts for Hanukkah. The gifts for the Hanukkah promotion (the last holiday promotion the franchise will release) were famously practical, including socks, a $1 Federal Bond, and a substantial donation to an NPR station in Chicago. But the last gift was less… useful. The eighth day awarded the many recipients the chance to be King of Sensible Castle for an underwhelming 3 minutes.

At first, Jenny and I thought it was simple, even for the notably simple promotion. As we explored, we found that Cards Against Humanity had actually bought a for-real castle, derelict and decaying, in Ireland. The ruler of the moment is permitted three (3) decrees whilst ruling their Irish castle, and a newsreel at the bottom of the video feed is full of the quirky humor that spawned Cards Against Humanity.

Image: Rory Bristol
Image: Rory Bristol

Here, King Ryan, Champion of the Frozen Wastes, has decreed that the only beer to be consumed in Sensible Castle, during his 3-minute reign, would be none other than North Coasts’ Brother Thelonious. It might seem like a frivolous decree, but what’s the point of ruling a kingdom for three minutes if you can’t have a little fun?

Some of my favorite Decrees include:

  • The national table top game of Sensible Castle shall be Dungeons and Dragons.
  • By royal decree, all subjects are to wash their hands as frequently as circumstances allow.
  • Passing gas will be socially acceptable. Period.
  • All farting illegal. If one is caught farting he shall be killed in a room of farts.
  • California Burritos are hereby declared a separate and necessary food group.
  • Socks are forbidden.
  • I hereby decree that pants are optional on Thursdays.
  • Netflix binges will be celebrated across the kingdom with theme parties, snacks and sweats.

Of course, many of the decrees are quite NSFW, but you can see them all on the website! Here’s a preview of the Hall of Kings, page 1:

Image: Rory Bristol
Image: Rory Bristol

I thought reading the Decrees would be my favorite part. Alas! The newsreel at the bottom stole my heart with its many quips and jibes from the humorists at Cards Against Humanity. Most of these are SFW, but a frightful number of them deal with topics you’d not want the kids to read. The reels include these disorienting pieces of news:

Image: Rory Bristol
Image: Rory Bristol

The final piece of news is an example of the ongoing announcements regarding the once-and-future kings. There are too many to share them all, so you will just have to waste the next 6 hours at your desk reading them, exclaiming, “huzzah!” when you like a Decree, and booing whilst throwing imaginary dung when a Decree fails to pass muster. Warning, doing so at work will alert your general workplace to the fact that you are, in fact, awesome to the extreme.

My wife will be ruling for three minutes in just a couple of weeks. We have already decided that I shall be knighted Sir Rory Bristol, the Awesome. Because she will be the real ruler of a real place, I have decided that this will, in fact, cause me to become a Peer of all Realms, and demand that my status as such be recognized in all settings. You’ve all been warned.

If you need a party game while you play a horrible party game, try playing Cards Against Humanity while watching the Decrees. I personally like to wager how often cats, flatulence, breakfast, and pants show up. They appear in a frequency that is both baffling and telling. Horrible adults have to have priorities too, no?

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