A few years ago, I had the privilege of being part of a group interview of Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy as part of a press junket for the movie The Muppets. Last week, I got to do the same thing again for Muppets Most Wanted, the difference being that the new film’s villain Constantine joined in the fun.
You can listen to the audio recording of the interview, which is well worth the time, because really their voices are almost as significant as their words. A transcript of the interview follows the audio player. Things to listen for: Miss Piggy’s strangely spot-on impressions of Fozzie and Animal; Kermit using the word “kinky”; Miss Piggy talking about her feud with Joan Rivers (forgetting, apparently, that they had a lot of fun together in Muppets Take Manhattan).
(A huge thank you to Kermit, Miss Piggy, and Constantine for their time; and also to Steve Whitmire, Eric Jacobson, and Matt Vogel for carrying the Muppets in and out, and patiently sitting with them while they talked with us.)
KERMIT: Pardon us for being carried into the room by men. It’s the only way we can get in the room, you know.
MISS PIGGY: That’s how I always make an entrance, though.
KERMIT: So why do they call you mommy bloggers? Because I see at least three men.
MALE BLOGGERS: [LAUGHS] We’re known as daddy bloggers. There’s nothing weird going on.
KERMIT: Daddy bloggers. Okay I just wanna clear that up right off the bat you know. Yeah okay good, good, good.
MISS PIGGY: You’re all just fans of mine.
CONSTANTINE: How does this work? Do we ask them questions?
KERMIT: No, no, no. They ask us questions.
CONSTANTINE: All right fine. Who’s first?
QUESTION : This one’s for Constantine and Kermit: Boxers or briefs?
KERMIT: Oh I’m definitely boxers myself, although I’m nothing right now.
CONSTANTINE: I just like to go free and easy.
MISS PIGGY: [TO KERMIT] Do not lie to all these people. They can see the answer right now.
CONSTANTINE: I am more honest than you. I wear nothing.
KERMIT: No I do like to wear boxers. Every chance I get.
QUESTION: Thank you. Miss Piggy, who’s more romantic: Kermit or Constantine?
MISS PIGGY: Well that’s easy it’s [CLEARS THROAT] Kermie. He’s so much more handsome than this.. [POINTING AT CONSTANTINE] this uh— toad.
CONSTANTINE: You know what? She does not know difference. Watch. Close your eyes, Pig.
MISS PIGGY: [STARES UNBLINKING] I can’t. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
CONSTANTINE: Close your eyes. Look other way. Do something, come on. Okay watch this. Miss Pig, can you hear me?
MiSS PIGGY: You’re not fooling me, Kermit.
CONSTANTINE: HAHAHAHA I fool you, Pig.
MISS PIGGY: Oh come on, Constantine. You sound nothing like Kermit.
KERMIT: See, she has no idea.
QUESTION: I have a question for Miss Piggy. You look fantastic, Miss Piggy.
MISS PIGGY: That’s a wonderful question. Thank you so much.
QUESTION: What’s your secret?
MISS PIGGY: My secret?
QUESTION: For looking so great.
MISS PIGGY: I just woke up one morning and decided I’m not gonna eat. It’s not for me. I’m gonna do something else with my life. I’m not gonna waste my time aging. I’m gonna drink some coffee. That’s what I’m gonna do. I’m not gonna age. I’m gonna go get my nails done. I’m not gonna age.
KERMIT: And it worked?
MISS PIGGY: You had to ask?
KERMIT: Okay I guess it worked.
CONSTANTINE: She also has good plastic surgeon. [LAUGHS] It is true. I only speak truth.
MISS PIGGY: You are speaking more truth than this one over here. [POINTING AT KERMIT]
CONSTANTINE: Yes, this right. This is nothing to be ashamed of.
MISS PIGGY: No I’m not ashamed.
KERMIT: No I just learned not to speak the whole truth. That’s all.
CONSTANTINE: That’s because it get you punched.
KERMIT: That’s because I, I don’t want to exterminate myself.
QUESTION: You always look so fashionable, Miss Piggy. I was wondering if you have a favorite designer and how was it working with Vivienne Westwood?
MISS PIGGY: Yes. Um right now Vivienne Westwood is my favorite. She made me some exquisite dresses, including a certain white gown.
KERMIT: I’ve seen it, I’ve seen it.
MISS PIGGY: That I wear down a certain aisle in the movie.
KERMIT: Which you uh — you— fortunately didn’t get to keep your wardrobe.
MISS PIGGY: Well I, I can call her. I can call Vivienne. I’m sure she’d let me borrow it again you know.
KERMIT: No, no, no. I — [CLEARS THROAT] That’s okay.
MISS PIGGY: Just once. That’s all it takes.
KERMIT: That’s okay. Okay.
MISS PIGGY: Anyways, I love her fashions. And the dress that she made is really quite something. It’s actually made out of recycled plastic.
KERMIT: Yeah it smells like sour milk. [LAUGHS] But it looks great, it looks great.
MISS PIGGY: In the back there!
QUESTION: I have a question for Kermit.
KERMIT: Yes ma’am.
QUESTION: So we saw Miss Piggy’s dream sequence. In your future together, you guys get married and have a cute like pink frog. Any plans to make that come true?
KERMIT: Well, to the extent —
MISS PIGGY: Yes.
KERMIT: that Miss Piggy —
MISS PIGGY: Oh, I’m sorry that, that was for him.
KERMIT: Oh I was gonna’ say then you can be a mommy blogger.
MISS PIGGY: [TO THE AUDIENCE] You are the future me.
QUESTION: Can I ask you about your feud with Joan Rivers?
MISS PIGGY: Yeah, what about it?
QUESTION: How’s it going?
MISS PIGGY: I won.. Did you see the pictures? With the cake all over her face?
CONSTANTINE: This was an evil thing you did, Pig.
MISS PIGGY: No it wasn’t evil.
CONSTANTINE: What was it?
MISS PIGGY: I, I was being very nice. She wanted some cake so I gave it to her.
CONSTANTINE: Yes you did.
KERMIT: Okay, okay.
QUESTION: Well what started the feud?
MISS PIGGY: She started it. A long, long, long, long time ago. Yeah she actually auditioned for my role in the Muppet Show.
KERMIT: Yeah, yup.
MISS PIGGY: Behind my back, she did this to me.
KERMIT: Yup. She, she would have gotten it too. It was very close.
MISS PIGGY: She would’ve gotten it?
KERMIT: Well you came in.
MISS PIGGY: Well instead I came in and I drove her out. There’s a lot of history between the two of us and uh — well a lot of ancient history if you just look at Joan.
CONSTANTINE: Ohhhh yes.
QUESTION: Speaking of history, is there any truth to the love story between the three of you?
KERMIT: That sounds very kinky. I don’t think mommy bloggers should be writing about things like that. Wow.
CONSTANTINE: I was doing best acting of my career. Pretending that I like the pig.
MISS PIGGY: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
CONSTANTINE: It is true.
MISS PIGGY: Well I, I was acting too.
CONSTANTINE: What do you want, son?
QUESTION: So how did you feel about doing the villain role and blowing stuff up?
CONSTANTINE: Oh it was the greatest pleasure of my life. I enjoy to blow the things up. I enjoy stealing things. I enjoy stealing the movie from a pig and other frog. I think I will now go steal other things from other shows.
MISS PIGGY: Well I think you should go do that.
CONSTANTINE: I will go do the Modern Families. I will steal that show.
CONSTANTINE: I think I would be great on 60 Minutes. The in depth report.
MISS PIGGY: Why don’t you go now?
CONSTANTINE: I will. Right now I’m going to be here to mess with you pig.
KERMIT: Yeah hold onto your wallets.
QUESTION: I wonder if you had to work out a lot for your fight scene?
CONSTANTINE: No, actually. A lot of my skills are natural. And then we also had stunt coordinator who was very helpful to me.
KERMIT: Yup, yup, yup, yup.
MISS PIGGY: Yeah that was me.
CONSTANTINE: Yes, you were very good. Teaching me how to hit, and punch, and kick.
KERMIT: Yup, yup.
CONSTANTINE: And the parkour. Who knew you were so good at parkour?
MISS PIGGY: Yeah well you know.
CONSTANTINE: I thought you were good at porkor.
QUESTION: What makes the Muppets so timeless?
KERMIT: None of us have watches. We really don’t keep up with it you know.
QUESTION: Except Walter does.
KERMIT: Except Walter. Yeah, well, he will not be timeless. He’s going to age. Believe me, he ages on you. [LAUGHS] I think we, we try to stay current. We live in the real world you know. We’re out there just like all of you.
CONSTANTINE: Right now we’re here.
KERMIT: We are sitting in this room.
MISS PIGGY: We are here right now.
KERMIT: But hopefully everybody watching sees an aspect of somebody they know, or maybe themselves, or maybe their friends. I think that’s part of it.
MISS PIGGY: Yes in the back.
QUESTION: Kermit I hear you do some really amazing impressions of some of your co-stars.
MISS PIGGY: Kermit? [LAUGHS]
KERMIT: Well I can try.
MISS PIGGY: He’s — I mean he’s, he’s —
MISS PIGGY: You’re a very good actor.
KERMIT: Yeah, yeah.
MISS PIGGY: You’re very good at playing yourself.
MISS PIGGY: [LAUGHS] I can’t imagine you playing somebody else.
KERMIT: Oh uh, uh I mean I’ve already — I already did Constantine for you. That was — that’s, that’s sort of a logical one.
QUESTION: How about you Miss Piggy? Do you do any impressions?
MISS PIGGY: Well I, I do a couple you know.
CONSTANTINE: Who do you do?
MISS PIGGY: I’m pretty good at Fozzie Bear.
CONSTANTINE: No way. Can you do Fozzie Bear?
KERMIT: Come on.
CONSTANTINE: Let’s hear it. Come on please.
MISS PIGGY: Close your eyes or not. It doesn’t really matter.
CONSTANTINE: This is going to be great.
MISS PIGGY: [IN FOZZIE’s VOICE] Wacka! Wacka! Wacka! Oh ohhhhhh! And I tell really bad jokes and you don’t really want to listen to any of ’em.
CONSTANTINE: That is uncanny, thank you.
MISS PIGGY: Thank you. Whewwww.
CONSTANTINE: Piggy can you do Animal, the fuzzy one? The little puppy dog.
MISS PIGGY: Oh yeah, yeah.
CONSTANTINE: What does animal sound like?
MISS PIGGY: [IN ANIMAL’S VOICE] Ohhh yeah this Animal, yeah. I stink, I stink really bad, yeah.
CONSTANTINE: That is really good.
MISS PIGGY: He really does stink. Let’s stay away from him.
MISS PIGGY: [POINTING AT BLOGGER IN FRONT ROW] Um, you.
QUESTION: This question’s for Kermit.
MISS PIGGY: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Does anybody else have — [LAUGHS]
QUESTION: My question is about Miss Piggy.
KERMIT: Oh, oh.
MISS PIGGY: Yes.
QUESTION: Apparently it’s in the cards that you’re going to get married at some point. So who’s going to be your best man?
KERMIT: Well uh I’ve been considering a number of people. Uh if, if I were to ever uh tie the proverbial knot, uh strap on the ol’ ball and chain, uh —
MISS PIGGY: UH-HUMMM.
KERMIT: Uh I, I felt Fozzie and Gonzo because they’re friends.
KERMIT: Um but I, I will tell you that, that I’m going to invite Constantine to the wedding. Uh —
MISS PIGGY: Constantine.
CONSTANTINE: Well you — really?
MISS PIGGY: Yeah.
CONSTANTINE: I will get invite.
KERMIT: You got invite, yeah.
MISS PIGGY: But he’s not coming. He’s not going to be able to accept.
CONSTANTINE: I will be there. I will be there.
KERMIT: We have to invite Constantine to the wedding.
CONSTANTINE: I will be there.
MISS PIGGY: Why?
KERMIT: Well he’s a frog, he’s a co-star.
CONSTANTINE: And in case frog gets cold flipper I can take your place.
KERMIT: That’s what I’m thinking. Yeah, yeah. Are you saying that if Constantine comes it’s a problem?
MISS PIGGY: Yeah.
KERMIT: Uh, uh my best man would be Constantine. [LAUGHS] Great.
MISS PIGGY: That is, that is devious, frog.
KERMIT: I know, I know.
CONSTANTINE: Yes, he is taking lesson from me.
MISS PIGGY: Way back in the back.
QUESTION: Are you still a bad guy?
CONSTANTINE: No, you’ll be judge. What do you think? The only problem is that uh now with film, my face is everywhere. So it be would be very difficult to pull off big caper, with having my face out there. Authorities will always be after me.
KERMIT: Yeah, yeah.
CONSTANTINE: So I may have to try to do other things.
KERMIT: We have to find something else for you to do.
KERMIT: You know I think, I think with your skills as kind of an extortionist and a robber and someone who just is devious, I think you could be a Hollywood agent.
KERMIT: I think that’d work pretty well, yeah. You’re in the right town.
CONSTANTINE: That is good. Hollywood does make me feel at home.
KERMIT: Yes, yes, yes. There’s some slime goin’ on.
KERMIT: About, how about over here. You haven’t asked a question yet, I don’t think.
QUESTION: Miss Piggy, what is your favorite song to sing?
MISS PIGGY: My favorite song? Well any song, any song that was written for moi of course. You know, “Wrecking Ball” was actually written for me.
KERMIT: Is that right?
MISS PIGGY: Yes, yes. As was Celine Dion’s big hit “My Heart Will Go On.”
KERMIT: That was written for you?
MISS PIGGY: Me. Yup, yup. I gave it to her.
KERMIT: Wow, wow.
MISS PIGGY: Yeah I gave her a big break.
KERMIT: Talk about a sinking ship.
MISS PIGGY: Which is what I did in this movie too. I gave her another big break you know. She will sing alongside moi for a couple of verses.
KERMIT: And nobody breaks like Piggy.
MISS PIGGY: No.
KERMIT: Nobody breaks like Piggy.
QUESTION: I just was wondering what Miss Piggy’s favorite food is, and could it be frog legs?
MISS PIGGY: I would say that, you know… um, I do like to nibble on Kermit’s toes. [LAUGHS]
KERMIT: I knew you were gonna’ say that, I knew you were gonna’ say that.
CONSTANTINE: Let’s face it: What is not her favorite food?
CONSTANTINE: You love food. It is okay.
MISS PIGGY: Yeah.
CONSTANTINE: Embrace it.
MISS PIGGY: It’s true, I do.
MISS PIGGY: That’s is true. You, you, you have been speaking so much truth today.
CONSTANTINE: That is what I do, I tell you. I speak truth. It may be hard to hear sometime.
MISS PIGGY: Yes.
CONSTANTINE: You are pig.
MISS PIGGY: I — but, but I’m a…
CONSTANTINE: It is true!
MISS PIGGY: …woman. I’m — it’s true, it’s true.
CONSTANTINE: You have wig.
CONSTANTINE: It is true! Right.
MISS PIGGY: It’s true. It’s true. I mean come on let’s face it. How many pigs do you see with long hair like this?
CONSTANTINE: Lovely hair.
MISS PIGGY: Uh-hum.
CONSTANTINE: It is good wig.
MISS PIGGY: Thank you.
CONSTANTINE: You’re welcome.
MISS PIGGY: [LOOKING AT KERMIT] Why can’t you compliment me like that huh?
CONSTANTINE: You just be honest, Kermit.
KERMIT: What qualifies as a compliment changes by the moment. It’s very strange.
KERMIT: It’s very strange. Did all of you see the movie?
KERMIT: Well, we hope you liked it. We hope you really enjoyed it.
AUDIENCE: Loved it!
KERMIT: We enjoyed it too. We, we really think it’s one of our best.
Muppets Most Wanted opens in theaters tomorrow: March 21, 2014. Check back here on GeekDad tomorrow morning for my review.
Thanks to Vanessa Diaz (aka The Queen of Swag) for providing the audio, which is of much better quality than my recording turned out to be.
Note: Interviewing Kermit, Miss Piggy, and Constantine was part of a press junket I attended that was paid for by Disney. All opinions expressed are my own.