With the popularity of zombies approaching bacon-like proportions, and with Halloween upon us, we at GeekDad were concerned that some folks might be considering actually becoming zombies. Hey, in a world where Justin Bieber has over 14 million Facebook fans, anything is possible. So, as a public service announcement of sorts, we thought we’d provide a list of reasons why you might want to think twice before attempting to zombify yourself.
10. It seems that every time you lie down for a quick nap, you wake up on a slab in the morgue. Putting a sign on your chest reading “It’s OK that I’m dead — I’m a zombie” doesn’t help as much as you’d think.
9. It’s so hard to find good dessert options since Ben & Jerry’s stopped making their “Brain Freeze” flavor.
8. Spa days are no fun: facials only remove the bits of face you still have left, and it’s a rare massage therapist who knows how to deal with rigor-stiffened muscles.
7. You have to give up your iPhone: multi-touch screens are really hard to use when the only fingers you have that aren’t dead are missing.
6. Staying a vegetarian is hell.
5. People are constantly breeding exotic plants to stop you from invading their houses.
4. Snowstorms are the absolute worst: not only is it hard to shamble in deep snow, but if your foot comes off it takes ages to find.
3. You have to be careful that your jawbone doesn’t fall off — otherwise you’ve got to puree the brains before eating them, and that wastes valuable shambling time.
2. That whole “not unreasonable” thing is bogus: zombies don’t eat eyes because their texture is too gummy and LASIK gives them a weird aftertaste.
1. Do you have any idea how much concentration it takes to control your body and your detached body parts at the same time — especially if they’re out of Bluetooth range?
Happy Halloween, everyone!