What Finding the Higgs Boson Doesn’t Mean

Geek Culture

Atlas experiment results.Atlas experiment results.

Particle tracks from a Proton-Proton collision in the Atlas experiment. Real science. (Image: CERN)

The upcoming announcement of the results of the search for the Higgs Boson is promising to be groundbreaking from a scientific point-of-view. There is a lot of information that may be confusing to some and will be misinterpreted by many. The practical application of being that closer to understanding the secrets of the Universe won’t be realized for some time. It was decades from the discovery of radiation to the point where we could harness the power of the atom for power. As I sit here and write this post, I am still awaiting my Mr. Fusion device promised in 1985.

For a great look into the physics behind the Higgs Boson, check out What Finding the Higgs Boson Means over on GeekMom. Here, I want to focus on what the discovery of the Higgs Boson won’t mean.

Cause people to develop super-powers
Nope. Sorry. Not going to happen. The Higgs Boson is already giving you mass. What more do you want? Of course, if they can find an anti-Higgs that can reduce my mass I will open the first high energy physics based diet clinic in the world.

Facilitate time-travel
The Higgs Boson isn’t going to unlock the secrets to time-travel, even if you can get your car up to 88 miles per hour. In a related note, it will also not bring me any closer to my Mr. Fusion.

Open a portal through which alien or extradimensional beings can come to Earth
The Higgs Boson discovery won’t cause a portal to open to anywhere. Not to Hell, Asgard, the Pegasus Galaxy, a galactic trade route, the Eighth Dimension, or what’s left of Alderaan. Well, I understand that Valve is interested in the results for some reason but I’m sure it’s nothing.

Allow transit to an alternate reality where the people are evil and have a goatee
I’m not saying that all people with goatees are evil. Quite the opposite is true, which makes this idea all that much more absurd. Everyone knows that as you grow longer facial hair you become more evil. You would be surprised at the world domination schemes that ZZ Top is working on.

Destroy the earth in an ever expanding black hole
Remember when people said that was inevitable? Do you remember those people? I do. A couple seasons of operation later and we seem to be fine. Unless, of course, The Doctor trapped us in a time-loop right before the singularity formed to save the Earth. It would explain deja vu.

When you hear the sensationalism on the news about what the Higgs Boson discovery could mean, take it with a grain of salt and do a little critical thinking of your own. No need to eye that two meter thermal exhaust port on the side of the Large Hadron Collider.

Thanks to the GeekDad team for their input!

Liked it? Take a second to support GeekDad and GeekMom on Patreon!