Only a month out from the release of the revolutionary system, Nintendo has at long last revealed the launch lineup for their forthcoming 3DS handheld. Though there are said to be some 30 titles available by early June – in what is referred to as the “launch window” – only 16 of those (18 counting all three flavors of nintendogs + cats) will be available for purchase on launch day, March 27th. Interestingly enough, the games that you choose to bring home with your shiny new 3DS say a lot about you as a gamer and as a person.
Allow me to elucidate:
Asphalt 3D – UBI Soft, $39.99
You are an avid fan of the Asphalt series. In fact you actually owned the previous installment, Asphalt Urban GT, on both Nintendo DS and N-Gage. Nah, I’m just messin’ with you – nobody owned an N-Gage!
Bust-A-Move Universe – Square Enix, $29.99
You’ve somehow managed to convince yourself that Young MC will be an unlockable character in this 3D iteration of Puzzle Bobble. Knowing Square Enix it is a distinct possibility.
Combat of Giants: Dinosaurs 3D – UBI Soft, $39.99
You just saw the word “dinosaurs” in the title and went for it. And we don’t think any less of you. Because dinosaurs are awesome.
LEGO Star Wars III: The Clone Wars – LucasArts, $39.99
You have at last come to grips with the fact that The Clone Wars television series is the best thing to come out of the Star Wars license in decades. Go forth, young Padawan, and sin no more.
Madden NFL – Electronic Arts, $39.99
You understand in your heart of hearts that in spite of any shortcomings inherent in this entry to the series, it will be far superior to actually looking at the real John Madden in three unforgiving dimensions.
nintendogs + cats – Nintendo, $39.99
You’re just not ready for the commitment of a real flesh-and-blood pet.
Pro Evolution Soccer 2011 3D – Konami, $39.99
You refer to soccer as football and actually know this series by its original title – Winning Eleven. So why the hell you even picked up this game is anyone’s guess.
Rayman 3D – UBI Soft, $39.99
You are truly the gamer everyman, because everybody loves Rayman. (Apologies to GeekDad editor Matt Blum, as horrendous puns are really his department.)
Samurai Warriors: Chronicles – Koei, $39.99
You’re really looking forward to that one part where the guy with the really big sword whales on all those dudes. See also: Dynasty Warriors, pretty much everything else Koei has released save Gitaroo Man.
The Sims 3 – Electronic Arts, $39.99
You’re a bit of a sadist. I mean seriously, the only thing anyone ever does in these games is electrocute their Sims. Or make them soil themselves.
Steel Diver – Nintendo, $39.99
You’ll be disappointed to learn that this first party title is a submarine combat game in no way inspired by Dio’s 1983 heavy metal classic “Holy Diver.” I blame your poor reading comprehension skills.
Super Monkey Ball 3D – Sega, $39.95
You’ve got a thing for defenseless animals in plastic balls. See also: Pokémon, hamsters.
Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon Shadow Wars – UBI Soft, $39.99
You were really hoping for Tom Clancy’s Clear and Present Danger 3D, but you’ll take what you can get.