The luxury car weaving wildly through traffic, without using a turn signal, just cut me off. While I slam on the brakes, he is looking in his rearview mirror, without apology, to either see if I am mad or just check me out. I am grinding my teeth, trying desperately to hold in the tsunami of expletives and gripping the steering wheel so that my twitching trigger finger does not rise.
“Take a deep breath. His punishment is that he has to be him for the rest of his life,” I say to myself.
I glance in my mirror to see my smiling daughter talking to her bear. The world is mine again.
I think back to my first driving lesson. Not the one when I was 16 and I almost hit that fruit stand. Instead, I’m remembering a time when I was about 5, in the back seat of my dad’s car. A similar situation faced us, but the subsequent reaction was a sort of suburban vengeance. We screeched around the offender’s car and cut him off at a dangerous distance all while my dad flipped the bird. The look of satisfaction on his face was my lesson. Until I had Stella, I might have been tempted to react in a similar fashion. I mean seriously, how satisfying is it to “teach someone a lesson?”
…But does it really? Is the world a better place now? Doubtful.
So here is my New Year’s resolution: I am going to drive like the person I want to be.
Maybe you are how you drive. The luxury car jerk is either an entitled sadist or oblivious to how he disrupts the world, only to get to the light at the same time as the rest of us. That lady in the SUV who breezed through that stop sign and pretends not to see that old man crossing the street with his dog: perhaps a narcissist. She doesn’t have time to wait for a neighbor, but cares enough about what he thinks to stare straight ahead as if she didn’t see him. She did. Then finally, a young girl in a beat-up two-door, slows down and waves me into her lane. Polite and considerate, her little gesture did make my world a better place.
How amazing would the roads and the world be if everyone let you into their lane when you needed to get over? What if a turn signal wasn’t considered an act of aggression? What if we all waited at crosswalks and waved in thanks when someone let us in front of them?
Since I can only control my little world, that is my resolution. I am going to teach my daughter to drive.
Kari, I love you! You are awesome in so many ways. Reading this really got me thinking about some of my driving habits which are, to put it in PC terms, “typically male”. The next time I’m driving and feel my anger rising at clueless motorists around me, I’ll do my best to remember your words and let it go. Happy New Year. 🙂
Amazing. I am going to share this. You are how you drive. I love this. I’ve got two daughters and find myself doing the same, just teach them to be considerate people through all actions. Radiohead lyric: “We all drive killer cars”.
Another good one for parents, stop using phones while driving. What phone call is so important you are willing to lower the safety of your kids? It’s tough to just hangup on someone, and you could also take that exit, finish your call, and then get back on the road.
That’s fantastic! I’m normally a very tame driver (I say without ego I’m normally the chick in the beat-up two-door, mostly because I’m scared if I don’t let you people in, your average size car will eat my miniature toyota echo) but I will examine other parts of my life wherein I might have a tendency to over-react. I love this post!
The amazing thing is that this observation is even necessary. The thought that ordinary manners make the world a better place is now virtually radicalism.
I’ve worked hard to develop manners in my son. The lesson for him (and for that matter, myself) is that other people are significant and important. Every day, his mom and I get complements for his politeness. This may sound self-congratulatory: it is not. I’ve only taught him those things that were EXPECTED not so long ago. A generation or so ago a child would be punished for not doing such things.
“[Y]ou are how you drive”, is a great observation. It all starts with your attitude toward others. Sadly, our culture elevates “me” and then marvels at road rage..
@Tony- Your son sounds just like mine, his mother and I also get lots of compliments on his politeness, manners and intelligence. We have worked very hard to instill good manners in him throughout his life, though, I must say that I am a “typically male” road-rager when I get behind the wheel. I don’t really do a lot of the dangerous stuff, but I do swear and flip the bird a LOT when driving and other drivers irritate me.
“His punishment is that he has to be him for the rest of his life.” Possibly cruel and unusual, but apt and fitting punishment. And all he has to do to get a lighter sentence is to become a better person.
Kari, you might want to wait until she can reach the pedals. I am teaching my 16 year old son to drive. The first rule I taught him is there is no place in the world that will change much in 30 seconds therefore he doesn’t need to take unnecessary driving risks to save a few seconds. Invariably, stop lights tend to prove that.
As it is with kids, you may have to repeat that mantra a few thousand times.
Kari,
I moved to Fort Collins, CO almost 6 years ago now from just north of L.A.
Unbelievably that is how it is here for the most part. For a college town and a good chunk of the residents being transplants what you describe as utopia is how it is here (most of the time).
It is expected that if you are at a crosswalk that the cars will stop. If you turn on your turn signal someone will actually slow down to let you in. If you are riding your bike that they will move at least partially into another lane to give you breathing room as they pass you.
I have seen 4-5 cars stop to offer help when someone elses car breaks down. (and have been one of those stopping on at least a half dozen occasions)
Jake
Very nice! I love your posts and shared this one all over the place! Thanks.
Excellent article.
The only thing that worries me is that if ‘you are how you drive’ I’m in serious trouble – 32 and no driver’s license. 🙂
What if the “person you want to be” is a raging psycho?
As an avowed pedestrian of many years, I do my best to wave to every car that stops for me and allows me to cross. I know they don’t get enough recognition as it is.
If only there were more Kari’s in this world, or at least some sort of Kari “Be a more considerate driver” school that douchebag drivers cold be sent to.
I’m in Scotland, and it’s worrying to see that the stereotypically bad drivers are the same the world over
What an excellent post! As another SF Bay Area driver (in the South Bay), I agree – we should all drive like the people we want to be.
Hopefully this is a lesson I can still pass on to my daughters (one of whom is a week away from being able to get a learner’s permit)
Love this post! It’s so true – you can tell so much about a person based on how s/he drives. Better than any kind of personality test you’ll find on the internet.
I absolutely loved your post. I’m Brazilian and a father as well and something similar happened to me a couple of weeks ago but ended up in a collision. The lady in the fancy car refused to call her insurance company so I’m suing her unfortunately. Arrogance and selfishness are not the solution. Here in Brazil I also think people are too selfish in traffic. A little respect and politeness doesn’t hurt and favors everyone.
Awesome words Kari! Simply Awesome!
And a sentiment I will carry forth myself. There are times when I am drving when that compeditive spirit rises, and that “me First” wants to drive. Thats the best time to sit back and quote Han Solo “I dunno, Fly Casual…”. Being the example is the best way to teach your kids, and they will pick it up from an early age.
I think a part of what you experienced, Kari, was the fact that you’re driving in the Bay Area. It’s notorious for having rude drivers.
Back in 2001, just a few days after the attack on the World Trade Center, I was driving in the Bay Area. I had just driven cross-country from Little Rock, Arkansas returning from a business trip. Since the airports were all closed, I had decided to drive back. All the way across the country, every driver I encountered on the road was polite and kind. We all understood that we were feeling the effects of the attack, and were taking extra care to be good to one another.
Until I got to the Bay Area.
The drivers there were just as rude and uncaring of their actions as they’d ever been. It was a real shock to encounter that less than a week after 9/11.
Good post, Keri. I do not pretend to be an exemplary driver but I know I got better after going to Bad Driver School (speeding ticket). Not the fear of getting another ticket, but this lesson: other drivers are just another hazard, and our job is to drive so as to avoid them. No use teaching a falling rock a lesson? Ditto the average jerk.
Wow, I could cry after reading this. Right now I’m probably more like your dad. I get serious road rage except for the dangerous driving part. While I have cut out any bad language since having kids, I still haven’t cut out the bitching at the other driver. I’m with you though, I will teach my kids better. But first I need to start with myself and that’s seems harder. I am a conscientious driver and try to be polite, but I often still snap at the idiot who almost ran us off the road. Let’s all make this one of our resolutions and watch the impact of it spread. I will have a post about this on my site soon. Hope you’ll read it.
Love this! I am going to have my 15 yo read this too. She is eager to drive but this is super smart life advice too.
Happy New Year!
I feel like printing this as flyers and posting them all over Boston. Except that would require the impatient, obnoxious jerk drivers to pause long enough to read.
I will resolve to do the same. Thanks, Kari, for a wonderful lesson!
Having kids in the back seat does help you to “mind your p’s and q’s” while driving. At least they should!
You gotta watch what you say, cause they are little sponges.
I love this commercial to make the point for me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBOSHkUhs2E
How well said!!!! So often people feel isolated and insulated in their vehicles. Would they shove a little old lady out of the express line at the grocery store, or elbow in front of a mom with her kids at the bank teller? Probably not. Although I’ve know a couple of people that would; if they thought they could get away with it…!
I also REALLY agree with Ken’s comment on using cell phones. As I drive my 100+ miles commute every day, better than 9 out of 10 erratic drivers have their ear glued to a cell phone. Erratic can mean anything from varying speed for no reason to half-way in my lane. Not that it’s MINE, per se, but that whole physics thing of two objects not being able to occupy the same space at the same time!
Gosh I was just thinking that. The problem in my eyes is how America is being brought up :/
Awesome Words of wisdom. not everyone is considerate so continue to drive safely and in a happy world rather then stooping to a inconsiderate driver’s level to teach them a lesson.
Wow…
It never ceases to amaze me how much I can learn from Mythbusters.
Thank you, Kari, for that… driving lesson for all of us!
Sincerely,
the slydog
🙂
Kari! Love ya babe but let’s put a little existential spin on this post.
The man in the luxury car… A neurosurgeon concerned about a patient (maybe someone in your own family) and therefore preoccupied. The SUV mommy… Just received a call from her child’s school (ironically her daughter is also named Stella) Stella has been performing poorly in class and mom has been called into a conference and she is so nervous she is not being her normal courteous self. And finally the young gal in the 2-door… What seems to you as a nice gesture is completely self serving, as she allows you to pass because she is too busy typing out death threat texts to her ex who left her because she refuses to watch MuythBusters!!! Love the show, love your quirk. Hava nice day… Chris 🙂
Thanks for this Kari! I live in a college town with drivers form all over the world. I get stressed when I drive & I called someone a dummy today & my 3 year old son repeated me. I need to remember I’m teaching him this by acting this way as I drive. I really needed some mommy advise today!
Thanks for this Kari! I live in a college town with drivers form all over the world. I get stressed when I drive & I called someone a dummy today & my 3 year old son repeated me. I need to remember I’m teaching him this by acting this way as I drive. I really needed some mommy advise today!
when your girl gets older. let her get into auto racing. start with go-karts and move up as the age goes up.
when you learn to control a car at high speeds at a race track its amazing how much you carry over into street driving. while you may only be going 55 on the streets your watching everyone.
dirt track racing master that and you can laugh in the face of snow and ice and slick roads
I would like to teach some people how to drive shopping carts.
If drivers could only remember the message of the movie “Pay it Forward,” which is also a biblical principle. Galatians 6 reads (in part), “A man reaps what he sows. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people…” I try to be courteous on the road and have discovered that, most of the time, other drivers are courteous to me too. Love Mythbusters and glad to have you back on the show Kari.
Insigthful and point well taken. But I cannot help but to observe that this comes from the girl who plays with big guns and various explosives! If that guy only knew who he was messing with! Territorial aggression aside, your observations do make for a more tranguil existance and I applaude your restraint. But still those images of the girl in the summer dress, at home with her mini-gun, in the Arizona Desert, spent shells spewing all about… Easy to be passive when you play with such toys. Create a nice day!
I think a lot of folks fail to realize how much their children learn from the back seat of the car. Gee, why does my teenager always test my limits? Perhaps it is because you taught them when they were younger that you can drive 10 MPH over the speed limit and get away with it, that “Stop” signs apparently mean “slow down” (or, at best, “yield”), and that almost any rule can be broken, so long as you don’t get caught. We have a whole society whose morality is based on “what can I get away with?” rather than doing what is right because, perhaps, it is simply the right thing to do.
Below are a few quotes I think fit this subject…
Without retaliation, evils would one day become extinct from the world.
-Igbo proverb
We each do the best we can, within our level of awareness.
-anonymous
It is easy to romanticize the tolerance we expect others to show us.
-anonymous
Expect the best of people, and they will give you their best.
Expect the worst of people, and they will never disappoint you.
-anonymous
Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by ignorance.
-Hanlon’s Razor
—–
Thanks for the great write up, keep up the good work, both as a Mom and a Mythbuster!
I can relate to Kari. I feel like teaching every bad or inconsiderate drive a lesson but the world wouldn’t be a nice place if I did. We should relax and be aware of our surroundings. It’s hard to forget about a driver who cut you off at the moment but if we just take a deep breath, we can forget about it as soon as we park our cars.
if “you are how you drive” then in my experience as an avid pedestrian, an avid cyclist, and an occasional driver, most of the US are criminals. i am sure if anyone who has had a license thinks back they will find that at least once they have ; sped, changed lanes without a signal, ran a red, ran a yellow, or committed some moving violation (this to include passing through a crosswalk while it is occupied by a pedestrian even if the pedestrian is clear of your vehicle).
i agree that if we had more courteous drivers the world would be a lil better but i think we first need to have drivers that can drive within the confines of the law before we work on courtesy.
That reminds me of the scene in ‘Shoot ‘Em Up’. Kari did the right thing. The satisfaction of being a good person outweighs the satisfaction of cutting someone off and flipping the bird.
Very inspirational.
I have a theory on this subject. You can examine how “nice” a population is based on it’s driving habits. Where else are you so close to so many people that you have to trust your life to? Generally, there are three types of drivers. One, the person that thinks his time is more important than everyone else’s. That would be Mr. luxury car. Second is the person that looks forward only and is either so focused on the road or a motor vehicle zombie. These zombie people don’t notice turn signals, merging traffic, or anything in their mirrors. The third is the polite and often courteous driver that recognizes a situation and reacts with kindness.
While visiting other cities, I try to count how many of each of these types of drivers I can spot. My hypothesis is that this a how people treat their own lives and thus reflects how nice a population is using this subset.
Okay, nerdy I know but I think it is pretty accurate.
Your resolution benefits not only your daughter and others around you but should reduce the amount of stress you experience. Everyone wins! Let’s hope more people adopt your driving practices.
Happy New year!
Nice idea, but the problem is the idiot in the luxury car that cut you off did it precisely because he knew he could get away with it.
As someone who has to drive for my job I can totally agree with you Kari. I am also in the middle of teaching my 17 yr old son how to drive. Hoping that he has absorbed some of what he has seen over the years of me NOT being like that rude driver. Not saying I never get angry. I have on occasion said a few choice things but never act on them just grumble to myself.
Always living with the hope that at some point they may get pulled over and ticketed before they do someone an injury!
I realized years ago that the energy I spent cursing at the people cutting me off, speeding past me, weaving in and out of the lanes, and otherwise appearing to be a jerk, was wasted energy. I mean, do I really want to give up my personal power to something that trivial? No, not really. I’d rather focus my energies on things more important to me. What movie will my wife and I like to watch next, when will I be able to talk to my sister, what’s for dinner?
Folks, give up being judgemental. Convincing yourself over and over that you’re right, and everyone else is wrong, is exhausting. Relax, and enjoy your journey.
As the parent of a special needs child, I’ve always driven cautiously. Going back and forth to lots of therapy sessions puts a lot of mileage on the car. I’ve seen some amazing things on the road and have been involved in a two minor accidents (other guy not paying attention) with my child in the car. Luckily we were not hurt, but the first response from other drivers was to immediately get out and start yelling at me. I would explain that I have a child with autism in the car and to please stay calm so he would not be upset. Didn’t matter to either one. It’s difficult enough to deal with an accident situation when there are cool heads. My son learns from other people’s behavior and these people are the “Here’s what you don’t do ” lesson I use.
Common courtesy is missing. Drivers’ Education is not provided in high schools anymore with our severe budget cuts in school districts everywhere. I’m old enough to remember when the neighborhood policemen would come to our high school to show us driving techniques after we studied at least a weeks worth of information about responsible driving. Does anyone remember seeing “Signal 30” in class? One scary movie about the real dangers of inattentive driving does wonders with a teenager’s sense of immortality.
We’ve already raised a generation of inattentive drivers. Now we are seeing their children hit the road with cell phone chatter and texting. They’ve already developed bad habits from parents who don’t know any better – now we’ve added technology to the mix.
Our only hope is to create a grid system that drives for us because we’re too stupid to do it safely ourselves.
“You are how you drive”.
You reminded of a long ago Ex. While driving my car, he suddenly announced the great revelation that had just struck him. “Men” he declared, “drive the way they have sex!” I started to giggle. “What?”
“You just blew through a stop sign.”
John V. was a sweetheart of the first degree, but he was frequently oblivious to social cues. Particularly in regards to relationships and friendships and how they related to sexuality. So, he often missed cues that *maybe* he was taking things further than the other person was comfortable. Never to be mean, if you out right said, stop, or that’s too much, he would be horrified that he had made you uncomfortable. But, that didn’t mean he wouldn’t miss the cue the next time.
“You just blew through a stop sign.”
I guess he was right.
Kari, your resolution had meaning for me. I, unfortunately, was somewhat of that retaliatory driver like your dad. I remember when we lived in the Bay area, my 4 year old telling me to hurry, a car was about to pass us. Now I’m teaching those kids to drive in the DC Metro area and wish there were polite drivers out here. What they have to face as a new driver scares me. Experiencing this is causing me to become that polite driver you are becoming. Wish it would have happened earlier.
Have you ever noticed how many of those bad drivers are wearing hats? I swear the hat interrupts the brain waves or something. When my husband and I see bad drivers, we’re always checking to see if they’re wearing a hat – and about 90% of the time they are! Now if we see a hat we anticipate bad driving, and we drive defensively around them. (Maybe this is one for the Mythbusters!)
“Be the change you want to see in the world.” – Mahatma Gandhi
amen to that! i always believe that the way a person drives can show a lot about the person’s character.
and seriously, using the turn signal does not seem technically difficult but it seems beyond the intelligence of many drivers out there. but what is more irritating and perhaps more telling of a person’s character is when he/she sticks a palm out the window telling you to stop. it’s like… uh, are you a traffic cop? the queen of england or president obama? a simple signal and i’d let you in, but telling me to stop as if you’re somehow more important… *sigh*
I just started working a later shift which allows me more time to get to and from work so I can set my cruise control and not worry about having to brake or speed up in traffic. I tried to drive at 65 when I worked day shift but it is impossible to do in the bay area. Everybody else is either going 55 or 75. I would end up losing my patience with the 55ers because so many of them drive in the left lanes and joining the 75ers. I feel much better now when I reach my destination.
While I applaud the sentiment of driving politely, I have trouble identifying with the need to do so. I live in the South, where the vast majority of the time, people do let others in front of them and wave to other drivers or pedestrians. This type of courtesy has been bred into us, and reading a post like this makes me feel a bit sad for the rest of the country who apparently lives amongst the rudest people on the face of the earth. Y’all are always welcome for a visit if you are ever in need of some good ole Southern Hospitality, on the road and off!