10 Geeky Swear Phrases That Don’t Exist (Yet)


Wil WheatonWil Wheaton

Photo by Wil Wheaton's friend loren.

Perry White has his “Great Caesar’s ghost!” Doc Brown has his “Great Scott!” Fallout Boy has “Jiminy jillikers!” And the characters in the Harry Potter stories are fond of “Merlin’s beard!” Yes, a good, solid swear phrase is always good to have ready for those times when you feel the need to yell, but don’t want to say anything inappropriate in front of young ears.

Here, then, are ten geeky oaths that, to our knowledge, have never been used before. We offer them, royalty-free, to the geek community at large. Use them in good health, with or without a “great” in front of them (which you should probably reserve for extreme situations).

1. “Riker’s beard!” – It really was hard to take Jonathan Frakes seriously that first season of TNG, and it wasn’t entirely because his uniform was a bit too tight. He just looked a bit too much like an overgrown boy scout, and the beard really did help a lot. We think that makes it a suitable subject for swearing.

2. “Cesar Romero’s mustache!” – You know, the one he refused to shave off to play Joker in the old Adam West Batman TV show and movie, so they simply covered it up with white makeup and hoped for the best.

3. “Coulton’s Zendrum!” – If you’ve seen JoCo play “Mr. Fancy Pants” in the last few years, you know what we’re talking about. If you haven’t, seek enlightenment.

4. “Wheaton’s clown sweater!” – Need we elaborate? We didn’t think so.

5. “Bard’s arrow!” – If you’ve read The Hobbit, you get the reference. If you haven’t, what in the wide wide world of sports are you waiting for?

6. “Fozzie’s necktie!” – Not only is it remarkable because it’s one of the only two items of clothing he typically wears (the other being his hat, naturally), but it’s also integral to one of the funniest gags on The Muppet Show (naming or linking to the joke would spoil it).

7. “Boba Fett’s rocket pack!” – On the one hand, how awesome would it be to always have a rocket pack on your back in case you need it? On the other hand, it does sort of end up not being the best idea for poor Boba, doesn’t it?

8. “Superman’s underpants!”– Seriously, if you’re the most famous superhero ever, why would you go around with your underpants on the outside? Especially when you can hear pretty much everyone who makes fun of you, no matter how quietly they whisper?

9. “Wolverine’s claws!” – No explanation needed, we hope.

10. “Shatner’s hairpiece!” – Bill, really, we love your hammy over-emoting, and especially. Making fun. Of it. But when you’re in your forties and actually gain hair in between movies, nobody buys it.

Any other good ideas out there? Leave a comment.

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