Earth Destroyed By Large Hadron Collider; Martian Questioned

Geek Culture

Maximilien Brice; Michael Hoch; Joseph Gobin, © CERNMaximilien Brice; Michael Hoch; Joseph Gobin, © CERN

Maximilien Brice; Michael Hoch; Joseph Gobin, © CERN

In a stunning piece of astronomical news, the planet Sol III — better known as “Earth” — has been completely obliterated. In connection with this sudden catastrophe, authorities have questioned a resident of neighboring planet Sol IV (Mars), who is known to have made threats against Earth in the past. This questioning is thought by many to be a formality, as most sources indicate that the destruction was caused by a foolhardy group of scientists in central Europe.

Rumors of the dangers inherent in the scientists’ project, known as the Large Hadron Collider, or LHC, began to circulate over a year ago amongst the population of Earth, though such concerns were widely denigrated by reputable scientists. The projects’ repeated failures to get properly going were met with suggestions that an elementary particle, which the LHC was meant to discover, was affecting the experiment retroactively through time travel. This is highly unlikely, of course, as the Time Police detected no eddies in the space-time continuum that would provide evidence of such tampering, though it is possible that this “Higgs boson” (as it was known to earthlings) is too crafty to leave traces. In any event, the LHC did in fact start back up several Earth days ago, and evidently in spite of the infinitesimal chance of anything going seriously awry, the Earth has possibly been swallowed by a newly minted black hole.

While the diminutive Martian claims to have no culpability in the Earth’s destruction due to the theft of his Illudium Pu-36 Explosive Space Modulator, investigators are questioning him thoroughly due to troubling comments reported by a tall, big-eared earthling, which have since been confirmed by the discovery of the video seen below. Perhaps investigators believe the Martian to have staged the destruction in such a way to divert attention from himself. Attempts to reach the Martian through his K-9 secretary were unsuccessful.

Anyone with information about the destruction of Earth is asked to please leave a comment on this blog post. (Anyone who takes this article seriously could use a little assistance.)

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