We all look down on geeks (not to mention nerds and dweebs), because they don’t know how to dress right, they hardly watch any reality TV shows, and most of them can’t explain the infield fly rule! But it’s not enough to just look down on them—we must destroy any shreds of dignity they may still be clinging to by tormenting them! Now, we on JockDad are all former geeks, so we’ve drawn upon that experience to help create this list of top ten ways to torment geeks, nerds, and dweebs:
1. Build a Faraday cage around their house – Cut off their cell phone signal, and any outside wi-fi network they may want to connect to. If they have satellite TV, make sure you put the dish inside the cage, too!
2. Atomic wedgie! – Some times the old traditions work the best.
4. Reprogram their DVR to record ECW instead of The IT Crowd, Big Bang Theory, and Heroes – It’s on the nerd channel, anyway, so if they check they may forget that Battlestar Galactica isn’t on any more and think everything’s OK.
5. Replace their regular coffee with decaf.
6. Replace all the Jonathan Coulton songs on their MP3 player with Garth Brooks – If you do this just right, you can replace the MP3s but keep the song info the same, so they’ll still think the songs are OK until they play ’em.
7. Buy some tiny neodymium magnets and drop them in the fan vents on their laptops. They won’t figure out what’s killing the hard drive until it’s way too late!
9. Replace all videogames in their home with sports, hunting, and fishing games – They’re the only games anyone should be playing, anyway, so really you’ll be doing them a favor!
10. Throw away the contents of their Settlers of Catan box, and replace them with the contents of a Monopoly box – If they won’t fit at first, just cut ’em till they do!
(Thanks to my fellow JockDads Ken, Dan D. and Dan O. for helping with suggestions for the list.)