The US Armed Forces Sorted by Hogwarts Houses

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Hogwarts Crest Art by "Great Seal of the United States (obverse)" by U.S. Government - Licensed under Public Domain
Hogwarts Crest Art by
“Great Seal of the United States (obverse)” by U.S. Government – Licensed under Public Domain

In honor of Veteran’s Day 2015, I thought I’d play Sorting Hat and describe the branches of the military as they would be sorted into the houses of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Every branch of the military has its own role, and its own goals, but I’d like to stress that they are all brave men and women who deserve honor and respect for putting our lives before their own. Now, on to the Sorting!

The United States Air Force: Ravenclaw

Airmen are carefully tested for their intelligence and problem-solving skills. The Air Force is the natural home for the brilliant and talented. From code breaking to engineering, the Air Force is filled with men and women who solve puzzles and maximize the potential of themselves and others.

The United States Marines: Slytherin

Marines are recognized globally as one of the most skilled and dangerous forces in the world. Marines are a tight-knit group, with a drive for excellence. Marines tend to think of themselves as Marines for life, regardless of the term of their service. Marines are proud, and with good reason: The Marines have accomplished feats only dreamed of by most any military force.

The United States Navy: Hufflepuff

Sailors are often ignored and under-appreciated. A strong sense of loyalty, combined with grace and humility mean that Sailors aren’t here to steal the show, they’re here to get the job done. Their sense of duty is their drive, and their low-profile only highlights their ability to be discreet and take care of business.

The United States Army: Gryffindor

Soldiers are a valiant breed of men and women. Their courage and compassion are unmatched, and they put it to good use. The goals of a Soldier? To be a part of something big, and to change the world. Never challenge a Soldier to a contest you aren’t willing to lose.

US Coast Guard: The Order of the Phoenix

Seamen are a team which protects Americans quietly as a major force of Homeland Security. Protecting the country from smugglers, enforcing maritime law, and guarding vital locations on our waterbound borders, are tasks that don’t bring them to the foreground often. They serve a critical function that most are unaware of, so Seamen are often under-appreciated for their hard work and valor, much like the secret Order of the Phoenix.

It’s probably not terribly fair to Sort nearly 3 million people based on their jobs. I also recognize that the military branches are exceedingly diverse, and complex, not to mention the vast number of overlapping fields. But hey, who has to be 100% accurate when the standard is an imaginary school? Veteran’s Day 2015 is tomorrow, so show your support of your favorite House (er, Branch) of the US Armed Forces, and thank a veteran for their service.

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