But Star Wars Isn’t Real!

Reading Time: 4 minutes
Commander Grnn & ePox 37-N discuss Star Wars
Commander Grnn & ePox 37-N discuss Star Wars

Locale: Hurangidangian HQ – Gamma Quadrant
Central Command – Debriefing Room
Attending: High Commander Grnn & Spaceologist 1st Class ePox 37-N
——

Alright, ePox 37-N, I have a few questions about your current research assignment… Planet 03 in Solar System B-80G73, correct?

Yes, sir, Commander Grnn. The inhabitants refer to it as “Earth.” And my report focused on one aspect of their tribal gathering which they call “San Diego Comic-Con.”

Awkward name. Yes, I remember you mentioned that in your last report. So this time you focused on one particular, uh, interspecies interaction? That these Earthians spend an inordinate amount of time engaged in activities with non-terrestrial beings, correct?

Well, sir, these… things aren’t actually non-terrestrial. They’re more, like, not real.

What do you mean, not real? How do the humans communicate with them if they’re not real?

Uh, you see, they don’t exactly. These things, the best I can describe them as is “imaginary.”

“Imaginary?!” What exactly do you mean by that, ePox-37N? I’m very confused.

Well, I’ll try to explain, sir, but don’t expect it to make sense.

What? Why… oh, alright, try me.

OK, so they have an enormous amount of not only imaginary characters and creatures, but even entire universes that only exist in their minds.

Eh? Non-physical beings? Like the Corangi?

No, not quite, sir. You see, they have physical manifestations of these universes and their species and hardware.

But I thought you said they were unreal? I’m confused.

Yes, sir, it IS very confusing. For instance, they have this concept/manifestation they call Star Wars.

That sounds very dangerous! Warring stars! But how would stars fight each other? They’re not sentient.

Outside of Globular, sir, that’s correct. Ignore that for a moment though. You see, one of these humans, as they refer to themselves, may have hundreds of small manufactured idols representing the imaginary characters.

Excuse me? To what end?!

Errr, I’m not really sure, sir. The humans also have a multitude of spacecraft from this War of Stars, with weapons and vehicles and…

Whoa, there, hold up… they have spacecraft and weapons?!

Well, yes… and no, sir. Most of these items are non-functioning and seem to actually do nothing.

Do nothing? Well, what would be the point of craft and weaponry that didn’t fly or fire? That’s ridiculous, 37-N, especially if it’s as prevalent as you cite. By all that is Freen, what is their purpose?

Uh, I can’t say, Commander, but I assure you that it appears a large number of the humans work diligently towards accumulating these items, in all sizes, shapes and forms. And many devote great time and what they call “money,” uh, trade value, towards their acquisition.

Are you pulling my tail, Epox 37-N? Because I DO NOT like being made a fool of. None of this makes one iota of sense!

I know, sir, it’s just, well…

You’re saying none of these “imaginary” characters really even exist? And so all this energy is expended on totally useless items? Is that what you’re reporting?

Well, not exactly, sir. If I may elucidate further.

Please do. I’m eager to see how all this benefits the Earthians, as it obviously must for the importance you indicate they place on this… seeming madness.

I’m trying, sir, I assure you.

So, there are no real beings involved in this Star Wars?

Err, well, a limited cadre of humans act in a simulation of these characters for light screen projections they call “movies.” Rather primitive, but they seem to enjoy it.

Wait, actual beings attempt to become non-real entities?! How in Gleebox do the Earthians become something that technically doesn’t even exist?!?

*sigh* It does not seem rational, I concur, but you must believe me, sir, it is almost impressive to what degree these humans devote themselves to these non-entities.

Sounds more like a total disengagement from reality, 37-N. A nonexistent universe is inhabited by imaginary creatures and their non-working equipment and ships that do not traverse space or anything else. Tell me this is some temporary aberration of this species’ culture from which they do recover from.

Eh. No, sir, they appear to pass it on from generation to generation, gaining enthusiasm and further commitment as it goes.

Goes on WHAT?? I do not understand! No species would waste its sparse time of existence in this form of wasteful indulgence! How are they to progress?

They appear, sir, to apply their progress towards even greater engagement with these things that do not exist. They now have something called “3D movies” that make them appear more real…

Stop! How can they be MORE real when they’re NOT real in the first place?!?
Wait one microparsec, 37-N, are you filing an intentionally incorrect report here? Logic dictates none of this to be possible.

NO, sir! This is all accurate, as best as we can define such an implausible thing.

I understand, 37-N. I did not mean to besmirch your impeccable record. Alright, I’ll accept you believe this non-rational behavior exists. So, later in your report you mention something about “superheroes”. What’s THAT all about?

Sir, PLEASE do NOT ask me that question!

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