33 Geeky Insults You Can Use Almost Anywhere (GeekDad Weekly Rewind)

Reading Time: 4 minutes

In general, geeks prefer to use brains rather than brawn to get themselves out of a situation. As a result, their insults are often witty, literary and highly intelligent. But not always.

Here are a few of our favorites. (Note to parents: you may want to preview these first before your kids pick them up.)

You know, you are a classic example of the inverse ratio between the size of the mouth and the size of the brain.
— The Doctor, Doctor Who

Why, you stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking… Nerf herder! — Princess Leia, Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

If you spend word for word with me, I shall make your wit bankrupt.
— Thurio, The Two Gentlemen of Verona by William Shakespeare

[You’re] a girl with as much talent for disguise as a giraffe in dark glasses trying to get into a polar-bears-only club.
— Blackadder, Blackadder Goes Forth

You clinking, clanking, clattering collection of caliginous junk!
— The Wizard, The Wizard of Oz

You’re about as much use as a condom machine in the Vatican.
— Rimmer, Red Dwarf

[He] may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
— Groucho Marx as Rufus T. Firefly, Duck Soup

I’ll explain and I’ll use small words so that you’ll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon.
— Westley (The Dread Pirate Roberts), The Princess Bride

Don’t look now, but there’s one man too many in this room and I think it’s you.
— Groucho Marx as Rufus T. Firefly, Duck Soup

I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
— French Guard, Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Well if it isn’t fat stinking billygoat billyboy. How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap, stinking chip-oil? Come get some in the yarbles, if you have any yarbles, you eunuch jelly thou!
— Alex DeLarge, A Clockwork Orange

You are a sad strange little man, and you have my pity.
— Buzz Lightyear, Toy Story

To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I’ve known sheep that could outwit you. I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs.
— Wanda, A Fish Called Wanda

Your heart is full of unwashed socks. Your soul is full of gunk …The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote, “Stink, stank, stunk!”
How the Grinch Stole Christmas! (TV version)

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
— Oscar Wilde

Freaking idiot.
— Napoleon, Napoleon Dynamite

You bowl like your momma. Unless of course she bowls well, in which case you bowl nothing like her.
— Sheldon Cooper, The Big Bang Theory

Shut up, Big-booty, you coward. You are the weakest individual I ever know.
— Doctor Emilio Lizardo/Lord John Whorfin, Buckaroo Banzai, Across the 8th Dimension

Well, I’ll tell you something that should be of vital interest to you. That you, sir, are a NITWIT!
— The Doctor, Doctor Who

I didn’t mean to say that the Enterprise [or your car/van/truck/RV] should be hauling garbage. I meant to say that it should be hauled away as garbage!
— Korax, Star Trek – “The Trouble With Tribbles”

Don’t get uncool and heavy on me now.
— Neil, The Young Ones

Your brain’s so minute that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn’t be enough to cover a small water biscuit.
— Blackadder, Blackadder Goes Forth

I’m trying to thank you, you pointed-eared hobgoblin!
— Dr. Leonard McCoy, Star Trek

I think… no, I am positive… that you are the most unattractive man I have ever met in my entire life. In the short time we’ve been together, you have demonstrated every loathsome characteristic of the male personality and even discovered a few new ones. You are physically repulsive, intellectually retarded, you’re morally reprehensible, vulgar, insensitive, selfish, stupid, you have no taste, a lousy sense of humor and you smell. You’re not even interesting enough to make me sick.
— Alexandra Medford, The Witches of Eastwick

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
— Oscar Wilde

You would bore the leggings off a village idiot.
— Blackadder, The Black Adder

Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, toffee-nosed, malodorous pervert!
Monty Python’s Flying Circus

Smeg head.
— Lister, Red Dwarf

Well, of course, this is just the sort of blinkered philistine ignorance I’ve come to expect from you non-creative garbage. You sit there on your loathsome spotty behinds squeezing blackheads, not caring a tinker’s cuss for the struggling artist. You excrement, you whining hypocritical toadies with your colour TV sets and your Tony Jacklin golf clubs and your bleeding masonic secret handshakes. You wouldn’t let me join, would you, you blackballing bastards. Well I wouldn’t become a Freemason if you went down on your stinking knees and begged me.
Monty Python’s Flying Circus

You are a fart factory, slug-slimed sack of rat guts in cat vomit. A cheesy scab picked pimple squeezing finger bandage. A week old maggot burger with everything on it and flies on the side.
— Rufio, Hook

What are you, a captain in the innuendo squad?
— Micky, Doctor Who

Out. For. A. Walk… Bitch.
— Spike, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

You are about one bit short of a byte.
—Anonymous

I do desire we may be better strangers.
— Orlando, As You Like It by William Shakespeare

Thanks to Matt Blum, Ken Denmead, Michael Harrison, Jonathan Liu, Jim MacQuarrie, Curtis Silver, and Nathan Barry for help with this list.

This article, by Jason Cranford Teague, was originally published on Tuesday.

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