Well, to tell you the truth, I’m conflicted. I think the twin/adoption science in Selfish Reasons is, for the most part, fairly convincing. (I’m not as sold on Caplan’s unequivocal “more people = better world” idea, because I feel like he skims over the effects of first-world populations on third-world countries, or the environmental impact of lots of people.) Intellectually, anyway, I buy his explanations that, at least for some things, I really shouldn’t be stressing out over whether my kids have an extra piece of candy or spend another twenty minutes in front of a screen or stay up a little too late.
On the other hand, there are some things that I want for my kids that I’m convinced will be lost if I don’t work at it now. Take, for instance, playing an instrument, which is at the heart of Tiger Mother. Practicing piano and violin are, aside from excelling in school, the most important things to Chua, and what she spends considerable time and energy enforcing. Her kids practiced four hours a day, every day, whether they were sick or had lessons or school or even on vacation. Think about that: they would go somewhere for a trip (often traveling internationally) but before going out to see the sights, her daughter had to stand in the hotel room and play violin for four hours. Okay, so that’s a bit more extreme than what I’m picturing for my daughter. On the other hand, if I want her to be able to play an instrument well as an adult, it’ll be much easier for her to learn it now, while she’s young, than when she’s an adult and realizes that it’s something she’d like to do.
Caplan touches on this briefly: if driving your kid to some activity is a sacrifice for you and your kid doesn’t even enjoy it, why do it? Just drop it, and have a little extra free time for both of you — you’ll both be less stressed and happier for it. I mean, what are the chances that he’s going to be a professional baseball player, or pianist, or whatever, anyway? But as Chua relates, her younger daughter is really gifted at the violin, and when she is playing it and enjoying it, it is a wonder to behold. But she wouldn’t be able to pull off these remarkable performances without the lessons and practice which she despises. Even though I’m not a professional pianist, I really appreciate being able to play the piano at a moderate level — something which I wouldn’t be able to do if my parents had let me quit practicing any time I got bored.
There’s another thing I want for my kids even more than the ability to play an instrument: speaking Chinese. I’ve written before about raising my kids to be bilingual. It’s important to me because it’s a part of my heritage and because we have family and friends overseas who don’t speak English. I know that it’s much easier to learn Chinese as a child than as an adult, and so I strive to have my kids speak it at home. However, it’s a lot of work, both reminding them to switch to Chinese and to remember it myself. That’s a skill that, if they don’t learn it now, will be much harder to come by later on. But if I follow Caplan’s advice, I’ll just let it slide — it’s a pain for me to enforce and the kids don’t like it.
How much do you allow a young child to determine the course of their life? Caplan seems to suggest that it’s already chosen; Chua says that you can’t let them choose for themselves. The dilemma of being a parent is knowing where that balance lies, and I’m not sure that either book gives a definitive answer to that question.
Still, I would recommend both books — especially together, since they balance each other out somewhat. Tiger Mother, despite my distaste at her underlying philosophy, was a really compelling read and I actually did enjoy it. Selfish Reasons is a little dry at points (particularly when he gets into a lot of statistics) but Caplan manages to throw in some great references and fun examples.
For more about the books, you can visit Amy Chua’s website and the Have More Kids website.
Disclosure: GeekDad received review copies of both books.
