Anonymous: My son is 7, and I don’t know how to draw a line for him about violent play. He’ll have his Bionicles etc. attack each other, and if I’m not monitoring it, heads and limbs get sliced off, and so on. I worry that if I don’t set limits, it will get more out of hand, darker, creepier. Yet I don’t know where to set a line that’s not too “babyish.” I’ve struggled with this for several years, and still haven’t found a comfortable solution. But I trust GeekDad to give me more relevant advice than most parenting magazines.
Matt: I have a nine-year-old boy, and I’ve been in your shoes a lot the past few years. It’s tough to see your kid, who in your mind is still sweet and innocent, creating play scenarios that challenge that image. I find a useful way to deal with this feeling of shattered innocence is to remember that when I was his age I did the same thing, and I’ve become a reasonably well-adjusted adult.
That being said, you shouldn’t ignore the way he plays, either. It’s to be expected that geek kids will pretend to have a lightsaber duel with a friend, or have a laser gun battle. In most cases, there’s really nothing to worry about unless your child starts to take things past the usual quick “death” to something really disturbing like torture or sadism. If his pretend play starts to go that far, it might be prudent to do something, but be careful how you do it. Simply forbid him to do something and he’s likely to want to do it even more, so it’s probably a better idea to have a frank discussion with him, explaining that cruelty is never OK, even in a war. If you’re open with him about it, and answer any questions he has, he’s more likely to internalize the message you’re trying to get across. If you can, try to put a positive spin on it, talking about the values you consider important as a family, and why — talking about it only from the negative side is more likely to stir the rebellious streak all kids have.
Think of this as preparation for when he’s a teenager, and will start to do things specifically because he knows you don’t want him to. Wait to react until there’s something that really requires intervention, because otherwise you risk encouraging him to rebel even more.
