I got my refund check in the mail yesterday from those thieving jerks at the IRS and I was trying to decide what to spend it on. My wife’s been harping at me about getting a new dishwasher, but some Palmolive and a little elbow grease seem to be working pretty good for her now. I could use the money to send my boy to that summer football clinic over at the community college, but a lot of good that would do him, if you know what I mean.
So I decided to spend my refund check on something I can really appreciate: me. I came up with a list of really cool stuff that I like and will use. So without further adieu, here is my list of Ultimate JockDad Gear …
Juice
The older I get, the harder it is to keep my mass up. So before I hit the gym, I like to use a little D-bol or Andro to give me guns the size of Texas. Hey – if God intended me to look like you, He wouldn’t have invented steroids. I like to order from my favorite Tijuana pharmacy. Plus, they carry a wide range of heartworm medicine and flea preventatives, so I can take care of my pooches at the same time. Like my buddy Brucie Kibbutz says, be genetically different!
A Killer Friggin’ Tat
I’m finally gonna do it. I thought it was cool when I got a tattoo of the Tasmanian Devil holding an American flag on my bicep a few years ago. But now it just feels stupid. So I decided I was gonna cover it up. At first I was gonna go with the Chinese character for strength, but it wasn’t gonna cover all of Taz. So now I’m gonna go with a tribal armband. It’s gonna be sweet!
Full Body Mirror
I’ve been blasting my abs hard. I’m trying to get the look Van Damme had in Double Impact. I’m not quite there, but I like to check my flex whenever I can, so I found these great mirrors at Target. They’re easy to hang and they look good. And at this price, I was able to get one for every room. No limitations!
Bandanas
Yeah, I admit it. My mop isn’t as thick as it used to be. You got something to say about that? I didn’t think so. So I took a page out of the Hulkster’s book and started covering up with bandanas and doo-rags. Plus, it keeps the sweat out of my eyes when I’m squatting 625. Eyes on the prize, baby!!!
Workout Music
Pantera’s "Vulgar Display of Power" is the best thing for getting my pump on. Pop this bad boy on my iPod and I’m ready to kill. The onslaught these cowboys from Dallas bring is just fearsome. RIP, Dimebag, brother.
A Little Something For the Little Lady
Hey, I had some money left over and I figured I’d throw her a bone, you know? It may not be a new dishwasher, but it’s the next best thing. Love ya, hon!
That’s it. It’s all I got — or all I could get with my IRS check. I would’ve liked to get some new workout clothes or some new weights for at-home use or maybe even socked something away for a family vacation … but what you gonna do? Until next time, "Shut up & Lift!"
