Cyber Monday Fun: Geeky & Inappropriate Amazon Reviews

Happy Cyber Monday, geeklings!

If you spend any time on Amazon (like I do, in excess) then you have seen Amazon’s Dynamic list of Funniest Reviews. If you haven’t read the list of hilarious product reviews from Tuscan Whole Milk (1 Gal), Bic Cristal For Her Ball Pen, or Uranium Ore then your life is incomplete. Fair warning, though, expect to spend countless hours crying your eyes out from gut-wrenching laughter. And if you find yourself wanting for more Amazon reviews, then there is a second list of hilarity from products like Wenger 16999 Army Knife Giant or one of my favorite reviewed comments, White Face Paint: “My mime class went ape-crazy over this stuff. Comments ranged from ‘_________!’ to ‘__________!!!’” – M. Taylor.

Writing funny Amazon reviews has become a pastime of geeks everywhere; even George Takei has partaken in the fun. Hilarious Amazon reviews has grown such a following that there is an Audible: Funny Amazon Reviews hosted by Jane Lynch. And for those who prefer to read the reviews with the original images posted by Amazon reviewers, there is the Kindle edition: Did You Read That Review? A Compilation of Amazon’s Funniest Reviews.

So, how does one add to this ever growing list of funny reviews? Well, if you spend as much time on Amazon as I do then you will discover some doozies of your own. I didn’t originally know about Amazon’s list of funny reviews at first. My journey started when I searched Amazon for a typewriter inspired keyboard for my desktop (I wanted the sound of a typewriter without the hassle). That is when I discovered the Seafarer Keyboard (listed below). The price tag caught my eye and my first question was “Who the hell pays $1600 for a keyboard?” Well, there were 40 reviews, so I took to the comments to find out why so many people would spend that kind of dough on a keyboard. I was not expecting to read a slew of hysterical reviews. I immediately shared my discovery with my husband, who showed me Amazon’s list of funny reviews. From that point on, I took to Amazon in search of an ever-growing list of laughable reviews.

In my quest, I found a plethora of ridiculous products with funny reviews. I even found some items that are awaiting for the perfect writer to come along and create a farcical review (I am keeping an eye on those products with high hopes). So, I decided to share my list with all of you. This list contains reviews ranging from super geeky to mildly inappropriate (I kept the overtly inappropriate ones off this list as not to offend anyone).

As with most things, I saved the best for last. So stick around until the end and make sure you have tissues within arms reach because there will be some crying from the gut-wrenching hysteria.

1. The Seafarer Keyboard

Fantastic! I used the Seafarer in it’s [sic] intended environment

Fantastic! I used the Seafarer in it’s intended environment, deep at the bottom of the ocean. I am happy to report that even at such depth, all keys were still able to be pressed/depressed and the machine DID seem to communicate with sea life as large sharks started circling us.

If anyone ever go back for my Seafarer, please pm me for a my return address. Thanks!

-Amazon Customer

Remember to Buy the Uranium Ore!

The Seafarer Keyboard is the best keyboard I have ever let my precious hands lay on! Although I was hesitant about buying a $1,600 keyboard, because I don’t usually buy such cheap products, I thought I would give it a try. Last resort I’ll throw it in the garbage like my last solid gold keyboard. By the way, if anyone finds the gold keyboard, they can have it! It doesn’t feel too good on the fingers. As Tim said, Davy Jones did in fact hand deliver it to my door asking for my soul in return (this is why it is so cheap). Of course I did what any sane man would do… and gave it to him! Best trade deal on the face of this planet! I plugged it in and to my surprise nothing happened. Disappointed that it didn’t work straight out of the box, I skimmed my way through the internet to see why this might be the case. After browsing the dark web for a little while I came across my answer which seemed to simple to be the case. I needed to buy Uranium Ore on amazon as well to power the darn thing! I ordered it right away and the UPS guy, with 5 fingers, hand delivered it to my door! All you have to do is take a hammer and crush the Ore into a fine powder sprinkling it over the keyboard. Almost instantaneously the keyboard started to glow very majestically and a slight hum could be heard from underneath the keys. A back-lit keyboard was an added bonus! Not only did the keyboard work but I’ve never typed so fast in my life! Since the Uranium Ore was only needed for the initial boot up, I have since started a daily regiment to be the fastest on the face of the earth. Within days I had grown everything I ever needed to type fast including two new arms, and the stubs of new fingers starting to grow in! Just an FYI don’t use the Ore to nuke an ant hill, there will be hazmat crews cleaning up the area for weeks. A total inconvenience! Back to the Keyboard, using the the Uranium Ore in conjunction with the keyboard is a next level experience! As your fingersss glide effortlessly over the keyboard, you can not help but feel the exhilarating tingling that begins to run through the tips. I highly recommend this product but just remember to put the Uranium Ore in your cart as well! Best wishes!!! Uranium Ore

-Nate

I Was typing up my PhD thesis on dark matter when I switched to this amazing and inexpensive keyboard

Got it. I Was typing up my PhD thesis on dark matter when I switched to this amazing and inexpensive keyboard. I was suddenly inspired and eventually proved that dark matter is not dark (soon to be published). In addition, my quest for the most questionable content on the interwebs was satiated when I used this item in typing my searches.

-Anthony Galluci

2. Datamancer The Sojourner Keyboard w/6ft length braided cloth USB cable

Sadly, the listing hardly does this product justice.

Sadly, the listing hardly does this product justice. The brass is actually from free range ore mined by blind Benedictine monks, then slow-forged to perfection in the ancient fires of Pompeii and cooled in unicorn tears. Then it is lovingly hand polished by rare albino panda bears high atop a Tibetan mountain. No, not that mountain. It’s a secret one only the wealthy know about.

The switches themselves are from the Apollo 11 command capsule (the lunar lander switches are extra), and each is blessed by the Machine Spirit to improve both K/D ratio and one’s ability to quickscope. The buttons are hand-penned in English using a unique ink crafted from the ashes of the Library of Alexandria, and painstakingly inscribed by actual elves. Real ones, not those cheap, imitation Keebler or Santa elves you’ll find making inferior products. The cable is from AudioQuest, makers of multi-thousand dollar HDMI cables, and is emblazoned with powerful runes invoking the power of the ancient god Yu-Essbee.

The pictures also fail to capture the ethereal glow and low, audible hum that can be heard even over the incessant clacking of the keys. A word of warning, however: some say lesser men cannot handle the magnitude of such eldritch power, and will be consumed by the might of this keyboard, left to roam an otherworldly plane for all time.

-Johan Rugerstein

Worth Every Penny

I know it SEEMS expensive, but it’s got ALL the letters.

-Jim Henley

Like a sunbeam on a rainy day.

You know, if someone came up to me 25 years ago and said ‘In the future you will pay 100,000 pennies for a keyboard’ I would have punched the person in the face and asked how he got into my bedroom; which would be foolish becasue clearly he would have used the door.

Now: Best purchase I have ever made. As you type you can practically feel the key move through dimensions to find the right letter. Not always the one you wanted to type, but always the right letter. In fact, I became so overwhelmed, I typed a series of books in an hour. Sadly, it turned out to just be copies of Harry Potter, with the only change being it was now about Harry Pooter. Which is odd becasue [sic] I want to write fanfic about Harry Canyon, you know, from The Heavy Metal Motion Picture.

I only gave it 4 stars, becasue [sic] whenever I create a linked list with a null error, random items disappear from my room and I miss my cat.

-Geekoid

3. Krone General George Armstrong Custer Limited Edition Fountain Pen…

the pen is mightier than the sword

Awesome! The second I held this magnificent tool in my shaking hand I understood immediately that had the good General wielded this at Big Horn, things would have turned out very differently.
We all know the pen is mightier than the sword. Imagine if his men engaged the enemy with the hand painted barrel of this piston fill gem.
Even when empty, each barrel sports a bayonet nib of 18K Gold, easily used for thrusting and stabbing, with the ease of easy cleanup that only gold and silver can afford, not to mention corrosion resistance.
This will be my go to “sword” for home defense for many years due to the outstanding quality.

-Michael P.G

4. Chicken Poop Lip Balm

Smooth and chemical-free

My favorite chemical-free lipbalm!

-Amelia

Good stuff, just wish the idea was transferable…

I have to say, I love this product. Who’d’ve thought that putting chicken poop on your lips could be so great! I just wish it worked as well with other types of poop. We live in farmland, and I can tell you that smearing cow, horse, dog, cat, pig, llama or sheep poop (or any of the possible combinations) on your lips doesn’t have quite the same effect, believe me I’ve been trying this for months. I even managed to get my hands on some turkey poop, you’d think that’d be pretty close to chicken poop. All I’ve managed to get from these trials are the odd disease once in a while.

Take my advice and stick with chicken poop!

-RunDown

5. Corn Dog Lip Balm

Oh man Oh man Oh man!!!!! I’m in heaven!

I’ve been suffering from dry, chapped, bleedy lips since my teenage years. I’ve been a fan of deep-fried, processed meat products in cornmeal batter served on a stick way longer. Finally a product comes along that allows me to remedy my biggest problem with my biggest love.

When my package arrived, I ripped it open with the reckless abandon and anticipation of a kid on Christmas morning. I removed the tiny tube of lip balm from the mountains of packing paper and bubble wrap in the giant amazon.com box. Upon removing the cap, my stomach growled a little bit. The smell was amazing…it took me straight back to the midway of my youth. I could almost see the ring toss guy with his missing front tooth and hodgepodge of prison tattoos. I could almost smell the whimsical scents of hair oil and Marlboro Reds in the air. I could hear the sounds of methamphetamine being snorted behind the ferris wheel.

And then I brought this tube of lip balm to my miserable lips and proceeded to smear the healing salve of the gods onto my kissers. Immediately my chapped lips were cured. I celebrated by eating the rest of the tube of balm, and collapsed on the sofa in an almost post-orgasmic heap, trying to wrap my head around the brilliance of this gift to humanity.

I did have to knock off a star because it didn’t taste like corn dogs and apparently you’re not supposed to eat it. My doctor is blaming the ulcers and anal leakage on this balm.

-SW3K

Moist lips never tasted so good

If you’re a fan of carnival food like me who happens to suffer from dry lips, this product may be for you. Apply some of this stuff before kissing your favorite carny!

-Timboliah PantsOnFiyah

6. Inflatable Toast

Adjustable Carbs

Most food that you eat has a standard caloric count for a standard serving size.
Not this amazing new bio-engineered food (inspired by a process pioneered long ago by Dr. Jerome Howard), you can use the included foot pump and pressure gauge to decide how many calories to eat today!

Are you in great shape? top it off to 35 Pounds Per Square Inch.
Do you have a slight muffin top? 30 P.S.I.
Are you seriously obese? 20 P.S.I. for a much lower caloric count!

“DeflATE your WAY to health toDAY!” ™

(“How much fun is this toy?”, I rate this 3 out of 5 stars, because I was taught not to play with my food.)

-Rock Fan

What it’s not

I highly recommend inflatable toast, however, I wish there was a whole wheat variety as I have been trying to be healthier these days.

-Frank Perkins

Great, but limited usage

This is by far the most superior inflatable toast product on the market. HOWEVER, please note that this is NOT a life-saving, personal flotation device. The owner’s manual does not make this distinction. RIP, Grandma.

-UscVet

7. Paderno World Cuisine Bronze Duck Press

My duck finally feeling the pump!

To be honest I was a little skeptical at first. My duck has been doing mostly isometrics and cardio and you can see the definition easily even though he tends to err on the lean side. And for that price, which is way more than the resistance bands and treadmill I normally assign him, I wasn’t sure if it would be worth it. But I’m man enough to admit when I’m wrong. After only about six weeks using the duck press, there is a noticeable difference in his bulk. Lats, delts and pecs have all gone thru the roof and his quads, calves and glutes are straight up swole. His vascularity has also skyrocketed and after reapplying the juice that comes outta him post-squat, his shine is on a whole other level. I’d recommend high weight, low rep when using the duck press so your fowl can quickly develop mad girth. Giving four stars only because cleanup is a real hassle.

-Amazon Customer

Instructions?

This press doesn’t come with enough information/instructions. My pet duck has been putting on a few pounds over the winter, I assumed was just water weight, so I loaded him into the press thinking that a couple of turns would probably do the trick…OMG I’ve never heard sounds like that coming from any animal, let alone a duck. I finally figured out it’s for “deceased” ducks. That damn duck won’t come within 30′ of me now. Thanks Paderno World Cuisine Bronze Duck Press, thanks for nothing.

BTW, only 3 stars. I’d have gone with 5 if the instructions were clearer.

-Solly

If it looks like a duck, and presses like a duck, it is probably a duck press.

Pressed duck is a fine-dining delicacy, but duck presses are a dime a dozen … until now! Now, Paderno World Cuisine enters the crowded duck press market with a fun-filled, all bronze version of a duck press that actually looks like a duck. Well, not entirely like a duck, but it has webbed feet where you usually see unwebbed feet on most duck presses. Ducks are pretty clever mammals and can figure out if they are going to be pressed by some non-duck looking press, but the web feet here lure them to the squish like an old casino to a wrecking ball.

And the price? Well, whereas we noted earlier that duck presses are a dime a dozen (meaning that they are 0.83 cents per press), this baby clocks in at $3.5K plus. It is like you are hitting your favorite Anatidae over the head with a gold brick, but this common household appliance is solid bronze, just like knuckles. Give you duck the King Midas treatment and impress all your friends in the process.

Oh, and if you have pesky starlings buzzing your freshly cleaned glass panes, keep this one right there in the bay window as a warning that there are many more presses in the bird world that can be purchased as well.

-Scruffy Pete

8. Banana Bunker (Color: Clear)

Can I give it six stars?!

For my entire life, I’ve left bananas unprotected. Sitting on the kitchen counter like a toddler in the middle of the freeway. Of course I worried about them. How would the delicate peel shield these wonderful treats from the unpredictable mayhem of my kitchen? Hundreds of times I have taken a banana with me without so much as a paper bag to defend it. Actually, It was normal for people of my generation to even drive with a banana riding shotgun, unbuckled. I cringe when I think about it. Since buying the banana bunker (yellow of course, holla!) I transport bananas with reckless abandon. I throw my bunkered bananas at co-workers, neighborhood kids and passing cars. Everything I always wanted to do with a banana, but feared for the bananas integrity, I am able to do now. I think everybody should have one. Mother’s Day shopping just got a heck of a lot easier! Thank you, Banana Bunker!

-RC3

Finally

At last, a dildo you can take through TSA without those embarrassing glances from the x-ray operators. NOTHING TO SEE HERE, FOLKS. JUST A LADY WHO LOVES AN UNMARRED BANANA.

-Mrs. Toledo

Potassium transport, not for the faint-hearted

Warning: This does not protect against BTDs (Banana Transmitted Diseases). When shopping for your banana, please keep in mind the most reasonably sized banana will be the best fit. The Bunker is not ribbed for the banana’s pleasure. That’s a common misconception. Bananas don’t exactly “feel” like we humans do, but our scientists estimate that they heavily enjoy the comfort of the Banana Bunker! Order one today and you’ll never look at an unhoused banana the same.

-Stephanie

9. High Mass Set

Let us pray

And the lord said to Jedidiah; Go Thee forth unto the internet and search not for the naughty bits of womens cleavage and other business, or the carnal uses of hamsters, or the sexual applications of chocolate and barbecue sauces. Instead find thee Amazon and purchaseth a set of fine silken robes and linens. Anoint thine body with sacred balms and oils and burn thee frankincense from atop the highest mountain in the land. Then jump thee from the cliff top so that thine creditors can not find thee after spending 11,000 Yehuds of which ye are too foolish to know that thee can not afford. Amen.

-alexander erkiletian

Only one complaint

i got this set to wear around the house. My only complaint: when I wear it, I lose most of my vocabulary. I just walk around saying “Mawwage is wat bwings us togevvah.” Followed by a, “Waahve…twoo Waahve….” So for that, I give it 4 stars.

-Steven Moore

10. Chalice

Chose the wrong grail.

I chose this chalice instead of the old wooden grail that looked like it was made by a carpenter. Within moments I aged hundreds of years until I was nothing more than a withering skeleton. I then exploded into a cloud of cinematic dust.

-Thomas P. Lane

11. Limited/Special Edition Miniature: Epic Honey Badgers (2)

How durable? Shoot…

I picked a couple of these honeybadgers up in order to keep the minotaurs, lions, king cobras and hyenas out of my flower beds. It worked like a charm since there isn’t an animal alive or dead that wants to mess with one honeybadger, let alone two. I noticed immediately that the pest excrement in my petunias ceased and the only sign of life was the trail of blood from my honeybadgers smiling faces to that hole in the fence I’ve been meaning to patch up for the past couple of months.

Thank you, Honeybadger. I’m thinking that you’ll keep the Chuck Norris’s out of my yard as well when they wake up from hibernation.

-SW3K

This cant [sic] be real, its [sic] just too awesome!

Folks, I kid you not, I purchased a pair of these beautiful Honey Badgers to put on my desk at work and I can testify today that it was one of the best purchases I have ever made. They are priceless as the powers these two harness have forever changed my life at work. I was once surrounded by lazy troublemakers that would gripe at me and give me a hard time, now when they approach my desk they see my Honey Badger presentation and they back completely off! Its `Yes Sir’ and `No Sir’ nowadays around here. The amount of respect I receive since displaying these lovely’s is out of this World. I just wish there was some way I could make this up to Amazon as more grateful I could not be. I plan to purchase at least a couple dozen more pairs for my family members this Christmas and I’m sure to be the hit of the party this time. Amazon, thank you from the bottom of my heart for these lovely Badgers. I’m forever grateful.

-5XChamps

12. Laser Shark Extreme Great White w/fricken laser beams on its head and attack missiles illustration dictionary page book art print

Jawsome!!

I’ve been contemplating replacing some of the Family pictures that have been hanging on my Family Room walls for nearly 2 decades now…Tiredly hanging, I should say.
THIS is THE PERFECT ARTWORK to replace those old School (not “old school”) photos of my four kids, nieces and nephews, in-laws, etc…. Too bad its not LARGER-like A FULL WALL SIZED PRINT!! I mean-WHO WOULDN’T WANT A PHOTO OF A GREAT WHITE WITH A FRICKIN LASER BEAMS AND ATTACK MISSILES STRAPPED TO IT as the MAIN FOCAL POINT OF ANY ROOM??!!! This is a SHARK FINATIC’S GREATEST DREAM COME TRUE!! THIS IS UTTERLY FINTABULOUS!!

Well, actually having a REAL Great White-Apex predator/Top of the Food Chain in the Ocean/Open Sea-with FRICKIN LASER BEAMS AND ATTACK MISSILES STRAPPED TO IT FOR REAL would be the Finteultimate Shark Lover’s most fincredible dream come true. It would be FRICKIN JAWSOME!!
We could train the sharks to take out those bastards who have been Finning and/or fishing the other shark species to endangered status!!! Then take on OTHERS WHO ARE OVER-HUNTING AND FISHINGI!! Save other endangered species! Save Coral Reefs!! Clean up Trash Island!! THE GREAT WHITE SHARK BRIGADE WITH FRICKIN LASER BEAMS AND ATTACK MISSILES STRAPPED TO THEIR HEADS WOULD BE UNSTOPPABLE!! THEY WOULD RULE THE OCEANS ONCE AGAIN!! FINBASSADORS OF ALL SEA LIFE! THEY WOULD HAVE IN-FIN-ITE POWER OVER ALL!!

I digress… This shark-lucious piece of artwork would be a fin-credible addition to any Shark-lover’s collection.

-Gina Pendino

13. Invisible Unicorn

Definitely worth the money for what you get!

WOW! It’s not every day you only pay $4.99 for an invisible unicorn! Usually you would pay a premium for such a rare item especially one of this quality! When I opened the box, I couldn’t even see it! It is truly amazing craftsmanship. Five stars and a must have!

-L. Wood

*sob*

My unicorn is DEAD!!! No holes were cut in the box for it to breathe.

-Margot

Great addition to the collection

Though I wasn’t as excited about the unicorn as other invisible creatures (really I bought it for my wife) it turns out it is becoming the centerpiece of my collection. Friends and relatives can’t stop raving about it. *note: it does not get along with the invisible hippogriff. Try to keep them separated if you own both. I find the invisible manticore is an excellent buffer.

-CR Stockton

Fair Trade Certified Invisible Unicorn, Of course I would buy this again!

I normally only deal in mythological OR invisible creatures due to the high rate of abuse in the trade of Invisible Mythological creatures but this seller seemed totally legit. I had to take the chance and boy am I glad I did. My invisible unicorn made it to me pretty strong and healthy. A beautiful creature and is totally perfect for everyday exercise and since she is invisible I can take her to the dog park without risk of her being stolen!

Pros- Not likely to be stolen, Magic, Healthy and Fair trade.

Cons- Shippings a little high for something that literally has no mass and cannot be seen.

All in all I’m pretty sure this one was worth it, I know some of you got flops and for that I’m sorry and better luck next time.

-Ageorge

Killed my neighbor

The unicorn might be invisible, but it’s also dangerous. It gored my neighbor with it’s big horn. It looked like entrails flying through the air of their own free will. And now my homeowners insurance won’t cover the lawsuit because I didn’t add a unicorn rider within 30 days…

-Amazon Customer

I am always on the lookout for more funny Amazon reviews, so if you know of any that aren’t listed above or haven’t been covered by Amazon’s Dynamic List of Funny Reviews then send them my way via Twitter or leave a comment below.

I hope you enjoyed reading this list as much as I did, and don’t forget to share with your friends so they can partake in the hilarity too.

Until next time, cheers!

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