Photo: Rob Chandler; used under Creative Commons Attribution license
So today is Earth Day, and that’s a fine and wonderful thing. But we are geeks, so we don’t need much of an excuse to take the celebration of a holiday to an extreme. We do this for the same reason we invent our own holidays, like Star Wars Day and Towel Day (both coming up next month!): we love few things more than our inside jokes.
We’ve already covered the serious side of Earth Day, so now we invoke the spirit of geekitude and take it to an extreme. So, then, how should Middle-earth Day be celebrated by its residents? We have nine (like The Nine rings of men) humble suggestions …
9. Install a solar water heater atop your Hobbit hole.
8. Switch to the Thrush Communications Network. Tired of messages taking days or weeks to be delivered? Trust a thrush to quickly deliver your important dragon-slaying tips to all those who need to know. It saves the resources a journey by foot or steed would consume, and the thrushes are glad to help.
7. Learn the ways of the elves. You think it’s tough providing for your family for a few decades? Try 10,000 years sometime. Imagine how good they must be at conservation!
6. Reuse Shelob’s silk to make clothing. I mean, there has to be a ton of the stuff in the cave she used to inhabit, and all her offspring disappeared. Waste not, want not, right?
5. Save torches: Bring Sting and an orc with you. Really, any weapon forged in Gondolin will do if Sting isn’t available. Note: GeekDad will not be held responsible for your failure to restrain the orc adequately.
4. In order to avoid taxing Middle-earth’s resources, never open your door to a wizard. Especially if you’re a Baggins — it will only lead you to trouble.
3. Bring gifts to Fangorn forest. The Ents may not be good at showing their appreciation, but that’s just a facade. Reminder: Candles and maple syrup are inappropriate gifts.
2. Be sure to dispose of Rings of Power in the proper receptacle. They are not — we repeat, not — recyclable.
1. Remember Bard the Bowman’s Tip: You can eliminate the Smaug over your town if you have the right information (see #8).
This article was originally published on Earth Day 2010.
