If you grew up in the United States, or if you grew up in Canada and had access to American television networks, you may remember the “Stranger Danger” PSAs. If you are unfamiliar with this campaign, watch:
The “Stranger Danger” campaign was a huge failure. Why? One of the reasons it failed is because if you ask a child to define a stranger, it will be a different definition than that given by an adult. Unless the adult clearly defines what they mean by “stranger”, the child is probably imagining something quite different. However, the biggest reason this campaign failed is because most of the abuses this campaign was trying to protect children against are not perpetrated by strangers. They are perpetrated by the people known and trusted by both the parents and the children, such as family members, teachers, ministers, and community leaders.
Now, this same failure is happening in regards to protecting children from online predators. “Stranger Danger” didn’t work for our generation, so why do we think it will work for the online generation?
We’ve all heard the stories of the stranger paedophile who tries to lure the child in some online chatroom. We’ve all heard the stories of people who have met a stranger for a date, only to be raped or kidnapped. We’ve been told to tell our children to never speak to a stranger online or give them any personal information. It is the same thing my mother told me regarding strangers in the park, or if a stranger knocks on the door or if they telephone. As adults, we’ve been told that if you are going to meet a stranger whom you’ve met online, bring a buddy, tell a friend where you are going, have an escape route, etc.
We are failing our children. A lot of parents are not educating their children about the predators who are part of what we consider to be “safe” online communities. These “safe” online communities feel just like school, church, scout groups, sport teams, sleepovers at friends and family.
Recently, one of these “safe” online communities, one that I’m heavily involved with, has been rocked by the news of allegations that one of its very trusted members is under FBI investigation for exchanging naked photographs with his underage fans, soliciting them for sex, and participating with them in video cybersex via Skype. The accused is a well-known YouTube “celebrity” who has performed with a number of more well-known geek “celebrities”. The accused has a very public life, including having a very public relationship with another well-known YouTube “celebrity”. He was not only trusted by the community members, but also by the parents of the teenagers who are members of this community. Many parents met him and shook his hand after becoming acquainted with him through various online mediums.
When my children go online, it is the person who not only gains their trust, but also gains my trust, that I’m most concerned about. It is those interaction that I monitor the most and talk with my children about.
I think I am one of the few people who is no more shaken by this news than I would be if I heard the news that a teacher at my child’s school was sexually abusing or exploiting students. The reason I am not shaken is because I have knowledge that this sort of this is possible, in any situation. It is because I have knowledge that most cases of abuse, rape and kidnapping are perpetrated by people we know and trust, and I apply the same rules I would apply “in real life” to online, that I am not shocked.
The rules parents are told to put in place, such as checking your child’s browsing history, reading their chat logs, blocking certain websites, reading the message boards they are posting on, creating a phantom account and spying on their child as they are talking in an online chatroom, do not work in this situation. Also, warning your children about what information they give online, etc., does not work in this situation. Why? Because parents are encouraging their children to be a part of these “safe” online communities in the same way they encourage their children to participate in “real life” communities. Parents are facilitating it in the same way parents facilitate their children attending school, sport, extra-curricular activities, etc. The parents are active in these communities as well.
So how do you protect your child from predators who may prey in “safe” online communities? You protect them the same way you do when you send them school, the babysitter, scouts, sport, etc. You give them knowledge. You let your child know that there are people who will make them feel special and loved. You let your child know that there are people who will build up trust and then ask to do things that you wouldn’t do with a stranger, like exchange naked photos. You teach your children to ask themselves, “If my teacher, Uncle Bob, sport coach, scout leader, etc., asked me to do this, would it be okay?” You also tell your child that sometimes it does feel okay because the person who is trying to take advantage makes them feel special; the abuser makes believe that there is a real relationship.
It is easier to protect your child from this sort of abuse before they enter puberty. It becomes a little more difficult once the raging hormones hit. I know. I’ve had someone who was in a position of authority take advantage when I was a teenager. They made me feel special and loved. They made it feel right and okay. But it wasn’t okay. Because they were an adult and I was a teenager, even if I was consenting. They knew they had authority over me and they broke the inherent trust that comes with that position.
It is one thing for teens to send explicit text messages to each other or naked photos. It is another issue all together when one of the people participating is an adult and the other person is underage. We are not talking about statutory rape. We are not talking about sex between two consenting people of age. We are talking about the abuse of power, trust and authority; something that is very easily manipulated no matter how educated someone is, and regardless of their level of self-esteem. It doesn’t matter how sure someone is of their self and their identity, it feels damn good when someone makes you feel special. Especially if that someone is a person who is admired and celebrated.
And this is where you need to tell your child that if that trust is broken, that if someone takes advantage of their position of authority, your child is not to blame. You may not have a personal understanding, but you need to reassure your child that if anything like this were to happen, it is safe for them to talk about it. You need to tell your child that if they are afraid to tell you, regardless of the reason, that they need to tell another teacher, or counsellor, or police officer; someone else who is in a position of authority. Your child is probably already blaming themselves. They probably already feel stupid and ashamed for believing they were special. They probably feel dirty because they think they allowed someone to manipulate and bend their boundaries, instead of realising that the adult is the one who is at fault. And as more victims come forward, this shame and self-blame will grow. They will think, “How could I have been so stupid!?”
It doesn’t matter how old you are, you are at risk for having trust broken. But at least when we become adults, hopefully, we are more psychologically equipped to deal with it. We have life experience behind us that has taught us trust can always be broken. Regardless of risking a broken trust, we still have to trust at some point. Children are still learning this. Having your trust broken when you are a child or a teenager is much more difficult to recover from. Your child needs to know that no matter what the circumstance, in the event that trust is broken, they have multiple avenues and people in whom they can confide.
You can never completely protect your children from online predators, anymore than you can completely protect them from predators who they will meet in real life. After all, regardless of how or where you meet someone, you only know what they choose to let you know. We all have public faces and private realities. The person you work with can be very nice and pleasant, but when they go home, they could be abusing their spouse or they could be the victims of spousal abuse, just as one example.
You do not want your child to be paranoid of online communities any more than you want your child to be paranoid about attending school or a sleepover at a relative’s home. But you do need to educate your child that the abuses happen most often at the hands of people who are trusted, and not by strangers. You need to educate your child regarding what to do if they know of someone who is being abused online or if they are being abused by someone online. And you need to educate them in the same manner that you would when you educate them regarding abuses in their “real life”.
Remember, regardless if you are chatting up a stranger in the grocery store or a stranger online, or if it is a trusted online community or trusted “real life” community, they carry the same risks and the same safety rules apply.
I remember Stranger Danger when I was a kid. I remember being at school and a strange man coming up to me, saying that he was here to pick me up from school.
I started yelling ‘Stranger! Stranger!’ – but it turned out the stranger was actually my uncle who had come for a visit *L*
I hope that I can educate my daughter to be safe online as well as not having a fear of the dangers of the internet. Great post!
to the lady who yelled “stranger danger” at her uncle. You did great but your parents failed in not implementing a code word for supposed “ride givers” to let you know they where sent by a parent.
WHY parents even believe its appropriate to send an adult their child is not even familiar with to pick them up, is beyond me.. And it still happens.
Unless a child is close with a family member/friends, they should NEVER be asked to pick up a child unless its an emergency, and even then a child should have at least a tool to tel if the person is for real.. again the code word. Had your uncle said “Code word is booger!! I’m your Uncle, your mom needs me to pick you up”
Stranger mostly failed because parents where stupid and didn’t bother to implement the lessons being taught to their kids in how they handled their kids..
examples: letting strangers paw a child, MAKING kids kiss an adult or touch them when the child is not willing, sending unknown or not very close (to the child) relatives/friends to pick them up etc.. they set kids up to fail.
Great article. Some interesting stuff here that is important.
We used the “Safeside Super Chick” video bring some of these topics to our kids. (http://www.thesafeside.com/). It was fun and easy to remember for our kids. It set some boundaries that were easy for them to understand.
Thank you for a great article. There is another problem with stranger danger. My son (1/2 latino) was warned in preschool not to talk to the gardeners working next door to playground. Many white and white-ish kids only ever see black or brown faces in “stranger” roles. Usually strangers waiting on them, cooking for them, or cleaning up before or after them, but strangers. Similarly, many middle class on up kids never see anyone living below the poverty line who is not a “stranger.” Stranger danger is one more way we keep our kids apart from anyone different and, perhaps inadvertently, convey a sense that “those people” are bad.
Excellent post. Thank you.