Everything I Know About Humans I Learned From Vincent

Owning one human is tough enough, but like most dogs I’m part of a bigger family. From the moment I wake up at 6:15 a.m. to the last call of the wild somewhere around 11 p.m., I’ve got no less than five humans under my care. While technically I’ve got help, that lazy beagle and the fascist cat are not nearly as proactive as I am.

I’ve insisted on a good steady diet of television for my humans. Not that long ago, the two larger ones became enraptured by this show about a dog, Vincent, who took care of several dozen humans who survived a plane crash on a remote island. I could see the draw, although I did take advantage of their stupor to get some work done (so many edible things in that trash can humans just “throw away”).

Vincent takes care of a damaged human. (image: Lostpedia)

I’ve been a caretaker of Dog’s Best Friend for almost 14 years, since I was chauffeured to my current home by a fat man in a red track suit. Much of my companionship philosophy owes to Vincent’s example set on that island.

Bark bark bark woof

In a telling and (for my humans) rather creepy episode, Vincent valiantly tries to alert the alpha humans around him that two of their pack, Paulo and Nikki, aren’t actually dead. He pulls a blanket off of their paralyzed bodies, but they don’t understand and bury them alive. This is so true. How many times do I have to bark at 2 a.m. for them to realize that the food is trapped in a bag on the shelf. Like Vincent, I try to be proactive in communicating this key information, but usually I have to resort to helping myself to the garbage can. Patience is key to a good relationship.

Pant pant pant pant pant pant

Vincent didn’t play favorites. With all of those humans wandering aimlessly from water to cave to hilltop to strange magnetic portal, he couldn’t just stick with one to guide. At times, he was the primary caregiver for Boy Walt, Boy Walt’s Father, Yellow Lab Hair Shannon, and the U.S. Marshall from The Fugitive. Sure, my main assignment is Boy Archie, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t shove my snout into the face and butts of any other human who moves in my vicinity and might be able to free the dog food from its prison.

Woof. Grrrrrrrrrwoof.

It is a well-known fact that yellow Labrador retrievers are psychic. Vincent demonstrated this week after week on the show, including the flashback scenes where he was shoved into a luggage compartment of Oceanic Flight 815 when the humans again misinterpreted his warning that the plane would be ripped apart by a mystic magnetic force controlled by a spiritual archetype looking to fill an open position in the organization. Every dog knows that it is the rare human who understands that Timmy is trapped in a well or there’s a fire in the barn. It’s the job of any good dog to seek out those humans (it’s not like a cat could do it). This may be the most important lesson—

SQUIRREL!

French Fry is finishing up a bag of cheese curds taken from a cabinet that the humans left open. His favorite pastimes are sleeping, eating his companion @sweetnessthedog‘s food, and protecting the homestead from dangerous squirrels.
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