You’ve probably heard by now of George Lucas’s plan to re-release all six live-action Star Wars movies in 3D, starting with Episode I in 2012. One could argue that there are few things one could do to the prequel trilogy that wouldn’t make them better, but consider how annoying Jar Jar is in 2D; now imagine him in 3D, with that tongue coming towards you. That repulsion you feel? We all do.
That got me thinking, though: surely there must be worse things Lucas could do to ruin the Star Wars movies. Here are five I’ve come up with; please add your own in the comments.
1. Instead of Princess Leia in the metal bikini: Jar Jar!
2. Make a TV Holiday Special.
3. Add musical numbers, thus making it that much easier to translate into a Broadway production.
4. Retroactively give R2-D2 a voice chip so he no longer has to adorably beep, boop and squeal, which of course pretty much eliminates about 80% of C-3PO’s usefulness.
5. Re-edit the original trilogy so it’s all about Darth Vader, too. Include flashbacks to little Anakin destroying the Droid Control Ship when Vader’s chasing Luke down the Death Star trench. Maybe add some flashbacks to the pod race, too. Throw in a few flashbacks to Padme when Vader sees Leia — which will of course confuse him until the end of Return of the Jedi. Instead of “I have a bad feeling about this,” make Vader’s “Noooooooooo!” a running gag.
(In case it wasn’t clear: Yes, the irony in #2 was intentional.)