10 More Geeky Laws That Should Exist, But Don’t

Image: NASA

We geeks like to solve puzzles. We like to figure out the rules of our existence, even when we don’t necessarily understand the reasons behind those rules. And, yes, we sometimes like to use these rules as in-jokes, so we can identify fellow geeks more easily, and — let’s be honest here — feel a bit superior to non-geeks.

You know you’ve done it; there’s no sense in denying it. Ever simply said “Rule 34,” assuming everyone who mattered would get the reference? Ever mentioned Godwin’s Law? Ever made a joke involving the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle? Yep, you’re a geek, all right.

Back in November I came up with a list of ten geeky laws that should have existed, but didn’t. Here, then, are ten more:

1. Scotty’s Law – There is no systemic malfunction that cannot be bypassed, even if it means spending hours in the Jefferies tubes.

2. Armstrong’s Law – There is no historical fact, no matter how full of proof it may be, that cannot be claimed invalid by people with insufficient mental capacity. This is a complementary law to Somers and McCarthy’s Law in my first list.

3. GeekDad’s Law – When writing a blog post about certain subjects, the required references must be made. All posts about nuclear weapons, for example, require a reference to Aliens. All posts that mention Yoda, even peripherally, at least one sentence constructed backwards must contain.

4. The Maker Faire Law – It is perfectly reasonable for geeks wearing “If you can’t open it, you don’t own it” buttons to own iPhones and iPads, because they (the devices) are awesome enough that they get a free pass.

5. The Ostrich Law – There is only one Matrix movie, just as there are only three Star Wars films, and the Star Trek films went straight from IV to VI. And the final episode of Battlestar Galactica never aired. (If you have to ask which three Star Wars films, by the way, please turn in your geek badge at the front desk on your way out.)

6. Henson’s Law – The Muppets are NOT just puppets, any more than the Marx Brothers were just comedians, Hitchcock was just a director and Julia Child was just a chef.

7. Kirk and Picard’s Law – Whenever there are two distinct items that are obviously comparable, be they high-tech devices, movies, characters, TV shows, snack foods, etc., you must — MUST — choose a side and be prepared to argue the subject with any other geek you meet.

8. Chuck Jones’s Law – It takes a great deal of talent and effort to produce books, movies, and TV shows that are beloved by both kids and adults. When it happens, though, the results are magical: The Muppets, Looney Tunes, Harry Potter, Phineas & Ferb, etc.

9. Disney Channel’s Law – Live-action TV shows not involving Muppets that are aimed at kids older than six are almost universally unwatchable by adults.

10. Neo’s Law – Apart from the Bill & Ted films, there is no movie starring Keanu Reeves that would not have been much improved by his replacement with an actor with talent.

Any good laws I’ve missed? Let me know in a comment.

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