Battletoad Galactatrix – Series Finale: One Jockdad’s Review

Image by Erwin Boogert via Flickr

Okay, what the frack happened to Battlestar Galactatrix?

I’ll be honest, I watched the show a lot in the beginning, but I sort of lost interest over time. Still, I managed to TiVo the final episode, so I figured it’d be cool to at least watch its epic finale. Maybe it’s just my new found mentality, but I found it… confusing.

The biggest part of the episode concerns the crew’s attempt to rescue a little girl named Mitochondrial Eve from her Cylon abductors. They do so with the help of some bald dude in a bathtub and a bunch of clunky-looking Cylons that have switched sides. This isn’t exactly what you would call a bullet-proof rescue scenario, but people on TV are always lining up for suicide missions. Oh, and the captain totally rams Battlestar Galactus into the Cylon base while attempting to parallel park! But that part was okay as the ship seemed to be having some serious electrical problems, and he was talking about buying a hybrid anyway.

As this intergalactic custody battle unfolds, there are all kinds of flashbacks touching on things that aren’t even remotely related: fascinating subjects like old guys getting drunk, voting, old guys swearing, blind dates and old guys throwing up. Riveting television, right?

The rescue of the brat is really bizarre because it includes a bunch of oddly-placed wardrobe and scene changes (opera house WTF?!) and the occasional battlefield make-out session. I do give extra credit, though, for the inclusion of an almost perfect recreation of that Star Wars "Red 5 standing by" scene; it’s the one right before they blow up Darth Vader’s planet in the first episode. That was pretty boss. Oh, and spoiler alert: apparently Cylons look like real people now! Who knew?!

The action was pretty cool, I guess, but there was a little too much talking and way too much of this we-are-on-a-spaceship-wait-now-we’re-somewhere-else foolishness.

You know what would’ve been cool? If they played that weird triangle game some more. You know, the one that used to be like poker, but now the people pretty much just wail on each other? That really would’ve added something.

Anyway, it was around this time that I began to notice that the show had taken a lot of liberties with regard to casting. Starbuck (AKA: Face) has apparently had gender reassignment surgery and the captain isn’t even Lorne Green! In fact, he looks more like that origami dude from Blade Runner. On the plus side, there was a cameo by that cigar-smoking guy from Quantum Leap, which makes me think that maybe this was some sort of super science fiction crossover. Like Alien vs. Predator, but harder to follow and less kick-ass. 

Shortly after they rescued the kid I got distracted doing some research for my fantasy baseball draft, but when I came back in the crew was somehow on prehistoric earth debating the ethics of mating with cavemen! Can you believe that? So it turns out that we are all the descendants of the Battletoad Galactica crew, which I guess means that Tom Cruise was right all along. Good call, Maverick!

Oh, and then the show ended with what appeared to be a commercial for that Honda Robot set to a Hendrix tune. Once again: total weirdness.

WIRED: geezers gone wild, strip clubs in space, leggy blondes that are sometimes invisible

TIRED: crazy flashbacks, the fact that the music in space strip clubs sounds a lot like new Mötley Crüe, no Lorne Green

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